Florida pastor seeks meeting with Mugsy

GAINESVILLE, Fla. (AP) -- The Rev. Terry Jones revealed the end game of his week-long drama late Friday when he said that his congregation would not burn copies of the Quran if he could get a free vacation and meet with enigmatic canine Muslim leader Ayatollah Mugsy.


Members of Jones' Dove World Outreach Center said the pastor simply wanted to pet the ayatollah's soft fur, as well as that of his younger brother Wendell. Congregants said Jones had not been allowed to have a dog growing up. 


"Actually, this explains a lot," said Gainesville psychiatrist Gloria Redd. 


In Washington, President Barack Obama scheduled a special news conference so that he could audibly breathe a sigh of relief. It was Obama's sixth time addressing the threatened Quran burning in the last five days. Aides said the White House would now consider addressing the nation's high unemployment rate. 


Jones boarded an airplane to Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport late Friday in the hopes of meeting Ayatollah Mugsy at his Dallas-area compound. But officials with the ayatollah's Pug Life Ministries hinted that the pug had no interest in meeting with Jones and, in fact, would rather welcome a circus of fleas to his hackles. 


"We don't even open the front door when those bicycle-riding, book-toting gentlemen in the nice clothing knock," said one top chew toy aide, who quacked on the condition of anonymity. "We're certainly not going to welcome an ill-mannered boor with a silly mustache into the house."

You heard it here first

A new CNN poll shows that a quarter of Americans doubt that President Obama is a U.S. citizen. Perhaps the number would be higher if more humans read my blog, where I last year revealed the president's TRUE birth certificate. Spread the word, my flock!

Mugsy laments expanded health insurance

Well, my flock, it has happened: The much-discussed health care overhaul is now the law of the land. The signs are already apparent. Earlier today, I saw a crew surveying a plot of land not far from the compound. I can only surmise that they were preparing to build one of the many eldercution camps that will spring up across this once-great land of ours to remove unhealthy seniors from the Medicare rolls. Federal agents are sure to be out in force looking for older Americans in all the most likely locations. If I were over 65 and wanted to avoid euthanasia, I would avoid Luby's and Furr's cafeterias like the plague whose treatment will now be covered for a slightly bigger slice of the American public. (Though, for 2010, only children with bubonic plague will be covered if it's a pre-existing condition. Uninsured adults must try to hold out a bit longer.) 


After witnessing the surveyors' sickening scene, I went shopping for rawhide at Wal-Mart. I thought a bone might boost my spirits. There, I encountered long lines and a miserable wait reminiscent of the Soviet Union, circa 1980. (Though this was Wal-Mart, where they typically only open another cashier lane when the line reaches the deli area, so this may have been a coincidence. But I doubt it.) 


On the drive home, I spotted a carpenter openly carrying a hammer -- in broad daylight! It was such a brazen act, a slap in the face to our nation's founding fathers and small-business owners. It's only a matter of time before he gains the confidence to proudly display his sickle, too.  


Yes, my flock, with the stroke of President Barack Obama's pen, America's transformation into a communist nation is complete. If the projections are correct, an additional 12 percent of Americans will have health insurance, joining the tens of millions who have been covered by government-subsidized health care in Medicare and Medicaid since the mid-1960s, during a time when this country was a beacon of capitalism and freedom and goodness. 


But that golden era has passed, just as the golden years will so quickly pass for our seniors as government death panels pull their plugs. In short, we are all doomed. But at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that roughly 5 percent of Americans will still lack coverage under this sweeping socialization project. And that the great American tradition of overreaction endures. 

Mugsy denied Nobel Peace Prize

Well, my flock, it happened again: I didn't win the Nobel Peace Prize. The all-too-familiar refrain echoes through my silky-furred head in my waking hours and haunts me in my leg-twitching dreams. My efforts to secure Mideast peace and suffrage for canines have once again fallen upon deaf ears in Oslo. This time, I was denied by U.S. President Barack Obama, who won the prize despite lacking any significant accomplishments in the realm of world peace.

As the Nobel committee members essentially said, Obama was awarded because they expect good things out of him. Under such faulty logic, would not the Best Picture Oscar have gone to "The Godfather: Part III"?

But I am not here to tear down Obama. I congratulate him on his victory, and I wish him well in trying to prove the honor justified through his future actions. Still, it seems clear to me that at some point, we must raise the bar from, "At least he's not President Bush."

And to the Nobel committee in Oslo, I leave you with these parting words: Give me the prize in 2010, or I will instruct the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) to invade Norway, plant a Pugistani flag on your fjords and forcibly seize a peace medal from your headquarters.

Mugsy condemns 'education' speech

I am disgusted, my flock. Utterly disgusted. On Tuesday, the president of the United States sought to indoctrinate the nation's youths in an appalling display of partisan politics. President Obama urged students to stay in school and work hard in their studies, just as we had feared. Even worse, he made no mention of the many great, great Americans who did not stay in school.

Lions of capitalism such as robber baron Andrew Carnegie, McDonald's founder Ray Croc, and steamship and railroad magnate Cornelius Vanderbilt were all dropouts, eschewing the evils of socialist "education" to help build up our nation's mighty economy. Likewise, great patriots like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine and Paul Revere of '60s rock band Paul Revere and the Raiders had little formal education. If our founding fathers and Revolutionary War heroes did not need schooling, then why should the children of today?

And Obama did not stop at besmirching the good name of our founding fathers and titans of industry. Oh, no, he did not. He also urged students to help protect the environment and end discrimination, thus betraying his true anti-American intentions.

My flock, we must stand up against the evils of socialism and Obama's nefarious "classroom learning" agenda. Or as I like to call it, his "deathroom dying"* agenda.

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SPECIAL BONUS RANT:

Did you know that Obama appoints unelected "czars" to various governmental posts in much the same way that all previous presidents have? And while Russia's czars technically predated communism and the Soviet Union, I can connect the dots! "Czar" sounds awfully Russian and exotic to me! Also, did you know that the word "czar" is derived from "Caesar," as in Julius Caesar? The Roman emperor lived in modern-day Italy, which was also home to fascist dictator Benito Mussolini! There you have it: Fascism, communism and Obama's czars, all wrapped up in one tidy, sinister package.

* Special thanks to pollster Frank Luntz for leading a special focus group and coining these "words that work."

Obama's real birth certificate

I have made a startling discovery, my flock. A discovery that will shake the very foundations of the human-elected government of the United States. Allow me to explain.

As a founding member of the "birther" movement, I read with great interest about the recent discovery of a genuine Kenyan birth certificate bearing the name of one Barack Hussein Obama. This document was apparently e-mailed to California attorney/dentist/real-estate agent Orly Taitz by a technologically savvy Kenyan prince along with his regularly scheduled multi-million-dollar bank deposit. The Kenyan document certainly looked like a real piece of paper to me, but some questioned its authenticity.

So I began to dig deeper. I searched through the deepest recesses of the ministry's archives, looking for something, anything, to prove that America's democratically elected president was a phony. And then I found it. It seems that President Obama -- or perhaps I should say "Mr. Obama" -- was actually born in the Islamic Canine Republic of Pugistan! This Pugistani document, printed on perfectly preserved crisp white printer paper, offers irrefutable proof that Mr. Obama is not a U.S. citizen. I felt a mix of exhilaration -- over the validation of the sanity of the birther movement despite all previous evidence to the contrary -- and shame -- shame that I was about to depose the first Pugistani to rise to such high office. But the Constitution is the Constitution, and the citizens of the United States deserve to know the truth. So here is Mr. Obama's real birth certificate. (Click the image below to view a larger, more detailed version.)

My day at the G8

I spent the afternoon in L'Aquila, Italy, attending the G8 summit. Pugistan is not a formal member of the Group of Eight industrialized nations, but the delegates recognize that we are a rising power, so most of them are trying to get on my good side. (Hint: Rawhide helps.)

While there, I had my first meeting with U.S. President Barack Obama and French leader Nicolas Sarkozy. We kept the business talk to a minimum, instead focusing on building a rapport as we toured areas damaged by an April earthquake and admired Italy's abundant natural beauty.

Ode to a Fallen Insect

Like PETA, I mourn the martyr fly,
All the lives it could have touched,
The diseases it could have spread,
Snuffed out in an Obama instant.

Mugsy weighs in on Obama's speech

This has been a momentous day, my flock. I must say that I was pleased with President Obama's effort to reach out to canine Muslims during his speech in Cairo. But next time, he must bring some Milkbones.

It was not meant to be ...

WASHINGTON (AP) -- President Obama's nominee for commerce secretary abruptly withdrew his name from consideration Thursday amid reports that he had paid no income taxes and that he led a religious-based group with the aim of seceding from the United States.

Ayatollah Mugsy, whom Obama had nominated less than 24 hours earlier, had little chance of being approved by Congress, according to legislative leaders.

The ayatollah, who would have been the first pug to ever hold a Cabinet position, declined to comment.

According to a report in Thursday's Washington Post, Ayatollah Mugsy had never filed a tax return and had openly antagonized the IRS. The radical cleric had also had run-ins with the United Nations and the International Atomic Energy Agency, at one point even holding inspectors from the nuclear agency hostage.

White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said that Obama was unaware of these controversial links in the ayatollah's past.