Mugsy laments expanded health insurance

Well, my flock, it has happened: The much-discussed health care overhaul is now the law of the land. The signs are already apparent. Earlier today, I saw a crew surveying a plot of land not far from the compound. I can only surmise that they were preparing to build one of the many eldercution camps that will spring up across this once-great land of ours to remove unhealthy seniors from the Medicare rolls. Federal agents are sure to be out in force looking for older Americans in all the most likely locations. If I were over 65 and wanted to avoid euthanasia, I would avoid Luby's and Furr's cafeterias like the plague whose treatment will now be covered for a slightly bigger slice of the American public. (Though, for 2010, only children with bubonic plague will be covered if it's a pre-existing condition. Uninsured adults must try to hold out a bit longer.) 


After witnessing the surveyors' sickening scene, I went shopping for rawhide at Wal-Mart. I thought a bone might boost my spirits. There, I encountered long lines and a miserable wait reminiscent of the Soviet Union, circa 1980. (Though this was Wal-Mart, where they typically only open another cashier lane when the line reaches the deli area, so this may have been a coincidence. But I doubt it.) 


On the drive home, I spotted a carpenter openly carrying a hammer -- in broad daylight! It was such a brazen act, a slap in the face to our nation's founding fathers and small-business owners. It's only a matter of time before he gains the confidence to proudly display his sickle, too.  


Yes, my flock, with the stroke of President Barack Obama's pen, America's transformation into a communist nation is complete. If the projections are correct, an additional 12 percent of Americans will have health insurance, joining the tens of millions who have been covered by government-subsidized health care in Medicare and Medicaid since the mid-1960s, during a time when this country was a beacon of capitalism and freedom and goodness. 


But that golden era has passed, just as the golden years will so quickly pass for our seniors as government death panels pull their plugs. In short, we are all doomed. But at least we can take comfort in the knowledge that roughly 5 percent of Americans will still lack coverage under this sweeping socialization project. And that the great American tradition of overreaction endures. 

Mugsy condemns 'education' speech

I am disgusted, my flock. Utterly disgusted. On Tuesday, the president of the United States sought to indoctrinate the nation's youths in an appalling display of partisan politics. President Obama urged students to stay in school and work hard in their studies, just as we had feared. Even worse, he made no mention of the many great, great Americans who did not stay in school.

Lions of capitalism such as robber baron Andrew Carnegie, McDonald's founder Ray Croc, and steamship and railroad magnate Cornelius Vanderbilt were all dropouts, eschewing the evils of socialist "education" to help build up our nation's mighty economy. Likewise, great patriots like Benjamin Franklin, Thomas Paine and Paul Revere of '60s rock band Paul Revere and the Raiders had little formal education. If our founding fathers and Revolutionary War heroes did not need schooling, then why should the children of today?

And Obama did not stop at besmirching the good name of our founding fathers and titans of industry. Oh, no, he did not. He also urged students to help protect the environment and end discrimination, thus betraying his true anti-American intentions.

My flock, we must stand up against the evils of socialism and Obama's nefarious "classroom learning" agenda. Or as I like to call it, his "deathroom dying"* agenda.

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SPECIAL BONUS RANT:

Did you know that Obama appoints unelected "czars" to various governmental posts in much the same way that all previous presidents have? And while Russia's czars technically predated communism and the Soviet Union, I can connect the dots! "Czar" sounds awfully Russian and exotic to me! Also, did you know that the word "czar" is derived from "Caesar," as in Julius Caesar? The Roman emperor lived in modern-day Italy, which was also home to fascist dictator Benito Mussolini! There you have it: Fascism, communism and Obama's czars, all wrapped up in one tidy, sinister package.

* Special thanks to pollster Frank Luntz for leading a special focus group and coining these "words that work."