Mugsy's whereabouts revealed

DALLAS (AP) -- The mystery of Ayatollah Mugsy's bizarre disappearance was solved Wednesday when the enigmatic canine religious leader revealed that he had spent the last five days waiting in line in a Wal-Mart Supercenter "express lane."

"The sign said 10 items or less," the ayatollah barked at an emotional news conference, "but several of the shoppers were clearly breaking the rules. I don't care if it costs extra; next time, God willing, I will go to Target or Kroger."

Word of the ayatollah's disappearance broke over the weekend, when members of his harem told the news media that they had no idea where he was. Officials at Mugsy's Pug Life Ministries at first said they didn't know about the ayatollah's whereabouts. Later, the ministry issued a statement saying that the pug was "probably just out taking a walk."

As media curiosity grew, Mugsy's younger brother Wendell released a statement saying that the ayatollah was "climbing the Matterhorn to blow off some steam after a difficult week." An hour later, Wendell released a new statement that read, "Mount Everest is higher than the Matterhorn, right? That's where Mugsy is. He's climbing Mount Everest. It's nothing unusual."

It was unclear who was in charge of Pug Life Ministries during the ayatollah's absence, though speculation centered on Wendell and a chew toy named Mallard, a duck who is believed to be Mugsy's top assistant. Reached by phone, Mallard declined to quack.

During an interview Tuesday with the Associated Press, several members of Ayatollah Mugsy's harem expressed doubt over the official stories released by the ministry, which by this time included word that the pug icon was helping squelch a rebellion in Iran, that he was hang-gliding in Peru, and that he was having his nails trimmed. Those members of the harem were reportedly expelled early Wednesday, but Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment on the matter.

A representative of Wal-Mart, reached at the retail giant's headquarters in Bentonville, Ark., said that having a customer wait in line for five full days is "somewhat unusual, but not unprecedented." The retailer says it tries to limit waits to no more than four days.

Mallard's April Fool's Day joke

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. On Tuesday morning, I began a marathon 48-hour tug-of-war session with Wendell. Imagine my surprise when I returned to my blogging station and found that my aide-de-camp Mallard had played an April Fool's joke on the congregation. He even went into my pre-written speech file -- where I keep several dozen texts on hand, just in case -- to make it sound more authentic. But Mallard inserted a couple of changes near the end of the speech that should have made it a dead giveaway to anyone who follows my teachings. First, he wrote of "free and democratic elections." Ha ha ha! That Mallard, such a card ...

Then he named himself as my successor. Now Mallard is wonderful when it comes to dealing with physical stress, and he has the toothmarks to prove it. But mentally, there is simply no way a chew toy could handle this job. Being an ayatollah isn't easy, and Mallard would simply quack under the pressure.

Plan B

Hey, everybody. Mallard here. The ayatollah just called me on his cell phone and said he's driving to Texas Motor Speedway to negotiate a deal for hosting the telethon. He sounded really optimistic and said the Texas Stadium debacle could be a blessing in disguise. The speedway is way bigger than Texas Stadium -- it holds over 200,000 people! Just imagine how many dogs it could hold. I'm thinking a half-million, easy. Maybe more, depending on the Chihuahua count. Anyway, I'm sure Mugsy will come back with good news to report, but I wanted to fill you all in. Quack you later.

Gearing up

Only 24 hours before I leave for the airport. I am filled with a mix of tail-wagging excitement and stoic determination. Excitement over getting to see the history-filled city of Prague and its varied architectural wonders; determination to smoke Blue Bull out of his bovine hole and bring him to justice. My mother, the daughter of a longtime Cold Warrior, was at first reluctant to accompany me behind the Iron Curtain. Her childhood aversion to the Eastern bloc still lingered. But I was finally able to convince her that the odds of being thrown into a gulag were virtually nil, and that the city is known for inexpensive glassware.

In my absence, Mallard and Rabbi Jake will handle the day-to-day affairs of the ministry. Please direct all questions and donations to them. Peace and rawhide be upon you all.

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P.S. -- Before I go, I must ask: Does anyone know the story behind this blog, which has purloined many of my posts? I am thoroughly perplexed.