Mugsy issues fatwa for travelers

During my recent travels, I encountered a wide range of airport security measures. There was the anti-liquid bent of the Americans, who apparently believe that saline solution and Diet Coke can bring down a plane. There was the overzealous bag-searching and overly friendly body-patting of the Germans, who needed five minutes to deduce that my father's eyeglass case was not a threat. And there was the refreshing yet somewhat alarming laxity of the Italians, who didn't so much as stamp my passport despite my nearly two weeks in their fair country.

All of us who have flown have experienced the long lines and frustrating waits (especially when scrambling to make a connecting flight) that these security measures produce. But I am here to tell you, my flock, that it does not have to be this way. Humans bring much of this misery upon themselves through their lack of preparation. I stood by, dumbfounded, as traveler after traveler took the slowest path possible through the security line. What could have been a 10-minute wait routinely became a 30-minute wait. But I say "no more!" It is time to demand better. It is time to breeze through the security line in time to buy some #*@&#* Reese's Pieces before take-off! The infidels who slow us all down have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa!! Henceforth, the following rules must be observed by all travelers -- for the betterment of all animalkind.

1. If you see that security is requiring people to take off their shoes, do so before you reach the front of the line. Walking 10 feet in your socks won't hurt you.
2. When going through a metal detector, do not wait until you reach the machine to start fumbling around and putting your belongings in the little bowl security provides. Take all your metal-containing objects -- coins, keys, phone, watch, belt -- and place them in a carry-on bag or zip-up coat pocket before you reach the front of the line. Then you need only send that one item through the metal detector while you walk through alarm-free.
3. Yes, take off your metal-buckled belt. Even if it didn't set off the detector in Toledo.

Gearing up

Only 24 hours before I leave for the airport. I am filled with a mix of tail-wagging excitement and stoic determination. Excitement over getting to see the history-filled city of Prague and its varied architectural wonders; determination to smoke Blue Bull out of his bovine hole and bring him to justice. My mother, the daughter of a longtime Cold Warrior, was at first reluctant to accompany me behind the Iron Curtain. Her childhood aversion to the Eastern bloc still lingered. But I was finally able to convince her that the odds of being thrown into a gulag were virtually nil, and that the city is known for inexpensive glassware.

In my absence, Mallard and Rabbi Jake will handle the day-to-day affairs of the ministry. Please direct all questions and donations to them. Peace and rawhide be upon you all.

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P.S. -- Before I go, I must ask: Does anyone know the story behind this blog, which has purloined many of my posts? I am thoroughly perplexed.