Ministry rebuilding after flood

My flock, I come to you today with a heavy heart and soggy paws. As some of you know, the ayatollah compound was recently befallen by a series of household disasters. What began with a broken toilet line and a 100-year indoor flood was followed by pestilence, famine and a swarm of june bugs. The heavy-duty dehumidifying equipment and fans in the compound to clear out all the water caused a power surge that zapped our air conditioner, Internet cables and microwave (hence, the famine). While all this was going on, a "deep-cover" Pugistani spy ring was also compromised by the authorities, but fortunately, the feds do not seem to grasp what they have come across. 


We are gradually restoring order to the compound, my flock. A series of chew-toy riots have been quelled. The leaders of this uprising apparently thought they could take advantage of the situation, but my brother Wendell and I have put them in their place and spilled their cotton as a warning to others who would seek to throw off the yoke of chew-toy servitude. I rule this empire with an iron paw! And as much as I despise bathtime, no amount of moisture will change that. 


Our air conditioner was restored, with the thermostat reading 98 degrees as it blinked back to life -- not a moment too soon. Our Internet connection is now back online, and other repairs will be scheduled in the coming days and weeks. 


It will not be easy, my flock, but the ministry will rebuild. To cover the cost of repairs, I am organizing a telethon. I urge you all to donate to this most worthy cause. In closing, please view these wrenching images of the ayatollah compound, taken during the height of the flooding crisis, and let your heartstrings and your purse strings be tugged upon in an appropriate manner.

Last chance

History has been made, my flock. The first-ever item offered for sale by the ministry on eBay has been sold. And the buyer, whose user name includes the word "gecko," presents an intriguing case. Could this be my long-lost lizard friend Gordon? Is he reaching out to me? Maybe he is a successful stock broker in New York now, and he wants to give back to the ministry that befriended him and allowed him to stay in its garage. Or perhaps the buyer is simply a human with impeccable taste in interior decorating.

Whatever the case, you should know that only one item remains. And its auction time is fleeting. In less than 24 hours, this rare poster will be sold to the highest bidder. Do not subject yourself to pangs of bitter jealousy, my flock; be that highest bidder.

To visit the lone remaining Pug Life auction, which is currently insanely underpriced, click here.

The gift unveiled

Yesterday, I told you in the most mysterious way possible of a major donation to the ministry. Today, I am here to reveal the details of what is, quite possibly, the most significant gift in the history of Pug Life Ministries.

Kevin McCormick, artist extraordinaire and a longtime friend of Pug Life, was deeply moved by the ministry's recent telethon. So great was his fervor that this master artisan saw fit to donate a priceless piece of propaganda poster art to the ministry. And rather than hang this masterpiece in one of the ministry's mosques or churches, where it could be enjoyed by the masses, we have decided to take the Capitalist Pug approach. (In truth, our present lack of any actual religious facilities may have played a role in this decision.)

So this limited edition, signed and numbered, hand-silkscreened, ayatollah-blessed print could be yours. For further details, I urge you to read my first-ever listing on eBay.

Let us all thank Kevin for his generosity, and then let us all dig deep into our wallets and engage in a frenzied bidding war against one another. Allahu akbar!

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE EBAY LISTING

Exciting news

I have just received word of a major donation to the ministry. A benefactor, moved by the stunning spirituality and star-studded entertainment on display at the recent Pug Life Telethon, wants to open the well of generosity in a way that will benefit not only the ministry, but also you, dear readers. Stay tuned for more details and a formal announcement.

TELETHON: Disaster strikes

Bella, no! Bad girl! Bad girl! Get away from the Pointer Sisters!

Oh, dear. I'm afraid we're going to have to wrap the telethon up early. I have to get Tom Petty to the hospital at once. Pray for him. And thank you all for attending.

TELETHON: The Bella-rina

Bella would now like to perform an interpretive ballet dance for the congregation. Isn't her outfit lovely? It is so gratifying to see that little Bella has finally turned the corner. At last, her days of mayhem are behind her. So here she is performing Swan Lake, with accompaniment by the Dallas Symphony Orchestra.

TELETHON: Mugsy returns

Wasn't that touching, my flock? At last, Sister Bella is redeemed. And she has informed me that she would like to perform for the congregation later to do her part for the telethon. If Bella's one-time heart of darkness can be saved, there is surely hope for us all. Thank you for your strength and courage, Sister Bella. And thank you for that 67 cents.

TELETHON: A papal audience

Hello, children of Pug Life. This is Pope Pius Pug. I am pleased to be able to join you today for this most momentous occasion. Today, I would like to speak to you about forgiveness. In Mark 11:25, it says, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive him, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your sins." So today, I want to make public a forgiveness that I made in my heart long ago.

As some of you may recall, I was brutally slain by a demon-possessed Chihuahua. Were it not for the resurrectory powers of Brother Mugsy, my beloved friend and business partner, I would not be barking before you now. Though some might hold a grudge after such a vicious attack, I quickly forgave Bella the Chihuahua. She knew not what she did. And now, after witnessing the progress that she has made since her exorcism, I am ready to welcome her back into the fold. Yes, the onetime outcast Mexican bandito will be retaking the habit and rejoining the Pug Life nunnery as Sister Bella.

Let this story of forgiveness and redemption fill your hearts as you dig deep into your wallets to purchase some goods from the Vatican Gift Shop. All proceeds will go directly to the Pug Life Telethon fund, which currently stands at 67 cents. That is just $99,999,999.33 short of today's goal. Remember: Every little bit helps; every big bit helps more.

TELETHON: Special announcement

In a few moments, I will be turning the lectern over to my good friend and business associate Pope Pius Pug. I have heard from more than a few conspiracy theorists that the pontiff and I never seem to appear in the same place at the same time, so I was thrilled when he accepted my invitation to appear at the telethon today. At last, we could put some silly rumors to rest. Unfortunately, the pope's travel plans hit a snag, and he was unable to leave the Vatican. So he will be joining us via satellite. During this time, I will be out on my daily constitutional, making sure all the neighborhood mailboxes are properly marked. So please give the pope a warm welcome when he arrives.

TELETHON: The phone bank

Fielding all these telethon phone calls is starting to wear me out. But I will not rest until the money stops flowing.

TELETHON: All-star duet

Direct from Down Under, please welcome platinum-selling recording artist Olivia Newton-John as she teams up with the incomparable Louie the Pug. This is a duet for the ages, my flock. Be sure to crank up the volume, because you canines will love this one. Let's get physical!

TELETHON: 'Mugsy's Kids'

How about those Rockettes, everyone? Don't they look mah-velous? This is Billy Crystal, the ayatollah's co-emcee for this fine, fine event. Let me tell you, when Mugsy called me up and told me about this telethon, I dropped everything. "When Harry Met Sally: Part 2" -- the ink was already dry on the contract. "Sorry," I told the producers. The movie is going to have to wait. This telethon is too important, this cause too great to ignore. Pug Life is more than just an interfaith, interspecies ministry. Its charitable works touch all facets of society. So now, let's talk about one of them. I have here with me Timmy Hesterberger, an 11-year-old who's spent the last few weeks at Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp.

Billy: Hi, Timmy. How are you today?

Timmy: Good, sir.

Billy: Good, good ... I've often heard you campers referred to as "Mugsy's Kids," but it's my understanding that the ayatollah was neutered back in '01. How is this possible?

Timmy: The phrase shouldn't be taken literally, sir.

Billy: Oh, right. OK, well tell me, Timmy, what kinds of things have you learned at Mugsy's youth camp?

Timmy: Discipline. Respect. Physical and mental toughness. Subservience to the superior canine race. Proper technique for sneaking human food under the table.

Billy: Wow, sounds like you've been busy! And the funding for the camp, that all comes from donors, right? People who click on that PayPal link on the right side of the page?

Timmy: A small portion, sir. The rest comes from our large tuition payments and our work in the forced labor cam ...

Billy: OK! Thank you, Timmy, for that informative conversation. Isn't he a great kid, folks? Let's all give him a hand!

TELETHON: Kick it

And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have some very special guests. They have come all the way from Radio City Music Hall in New York City. These are women whose synchronized dancing prowess is rivaled only by their ability to kick their legs up high with no thought of territory-marking. Astonishing, simply astonishing. Please give a warm welcome to ... the Rockettes!

TELETHON: Start the music

Um, yes ... thank you, Kanye. Moving along ...

I now present to you the experimental musical stylings of "I'm a Pug."

TELETHON: A few words from Kanye West

TELETHON: Let's get it started

Good morning! Welcome, everybody, to the first-ever Pug Life Telethon. Some of you may have been doubtful that this day would ever arrive. True, we've had some travails. Some trials. Even some tribulations. After being rejected by Texas Stadium, Texas Motor Speedway, American Airlines Center, the House of Blues, Six Flags, Chuck E. Cheese's, Hooters, the Dallas Parks and Recreation Department and a host of other entities, our prospects looked bleak. But I am a focused, persevering pug. Just ask any human who has ever tried to eat in front of me.

And so here I am, coming to you live from my living room. It is not as grand a setting as I had hoped for, but Billy Crystal has made himself comfortable on the recliner, and we have some dancers changing into burqas in the bathroom. Everything, I am certain, will work out fine.

I had hoped to be able to broadcast live on network television, so that you could tune in and see every moment live. Unfortunately, this has proven impossible. But those of you with older TV sets might be in luck; if you turn the dial three-sevenths of the way between channels 8 and 9 and adjust the rabbit ears just right, you should be able to pick up a signal. If you are within three miles of the ayatollah compound. And you have ample aluminum foil.

But fret not, the rest of you. I will be blogging throughout the day to bring you highlights from the telethon, which will undoubtedly rock my living room in a way it has never been rocked before. Are you ready, my flock? Yes, I thought so. Let the telethon begin!

[Cue the dancers.]

Let's try this again

After a fruitless trip to Texas Motor Speedway, where the proprietor did not even open the door when I scratched, I headed to American Airlines Center. The more I thought about it, the more perfect the basketball and hockey arena seemed. The Texas summer sun is unbearable for a pug. Why would I want to be exposed to the elements all day in an outdoor stadium? Air-conditioned comfort -- now that is a setting befitting an ayatollah. Once at the downtown Dallas venue, I strode to the security guard. "I am here to see Mark Cuban," I barked. "Tell him Ayatollah Mugsy is here."

"Uh, certainly, Your Holiness," the guard stammered, adjusting the Ayatollah Mugsy button on his lapel. I took this as a good omen.

A short while later, I was escorted to the office of the Dallas Mavericks owner. "Mr. Cuban," I barked, "as you no doubt know, I am staging a major telethon tomorrow. I am prepared to let you host it."

"Well, Mugsy, this is very short notice," he said. "If we could get everything set up in time -- and I'm not saying we could -- but if we could, we'd probably be looking at a five-figure rental fee. Do you have that kind of money?"

I took a moment to let this sink in. "Mr. Cuban," I barked, "might you be willing to accept a four-figure offer, if I threw in certain ... other considerations?"

"I'm a businessman," he replied. "I'm willing to listen. I certainly don't want to get on your bad side, not after what your boycott did to Comcast."

I nodded confidently to my father, and he scribbled a number on a piece of paper. I then slid it across the desk.

"Um, Mugsy," he said, "you do realize that the numbers after the decimal ..."

"Wait," I interrupted, setting a pair of dog biscuits down on top of the paper. I smiled broadly at the billionaire, certain that this offer would be sufficient.

But it was not to be. It seems he would rather have his shiny arena closed down for the day than host a once-in-a-lifetime event of global, nay, universal significance. No matter; I am sure I can find a suitable location by morning. God willing ...

Plan B

Hey, everybody. Mallard here. The ayatollah just called me on his cell phone and said he's driving to Texas Motor Speedway to negotiate a deal for hosting the telethon. He sounded really optimistic and said the Texas Stadium debacle could be a blessing in disguise. The speedway is way bigger than Texas Stadium -- it holds over 200,000 people! Just imagine how many dogs it could hold. I'm thinking a half-million, easy. Maybe more, depending on the Chihuahua count. Anyway, I'm sure Mugsy will come back with good news to report, but I wanted to fill you all in. Quack you later.

A minor setback

It has come to my attention that Texas Stadium, the planned venue for the Pug Life Telethon, is hosting American Idol auditions this weekend. I had been under the impression that I could just show up, pay a small fee and rent the stadium. But surprisingly, it seems this is not the case. I appealed to stadium owner Jerry Jones to throw the no-talent bums out in the interest of appeasing God. For a moment, Mr. Jones stood still, his face showing not the slightest hint of emotion. I was not sure whether this was a bad sign or just the byproduct of some plastic surgery gone awry. But then he informed me that the stadium lease had already been signed, and Pug Life Ministries would have to find another venue. Though this was a disappointing setback, I urge you to keep the faith, my flock. I have confidence that I will be able to find a suitable site by tomorrow.

Mark your calendars

It is official: The Pug Life Telethon will be Aug. 3, 2007. That is one week from Friday. I hope you will join me for a daylong extravaganza featuring entertainment, celebrity guest stars and impassioned fundraising. I am in negotiations with Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to hold the telethon in Texas Stadium, where it is said that the hole in the roof allows Allah to look down upon the playing field. I believe this will be a fitting venue for such a significant milestone in canine culture, and the stadium will accommodate a respectable crowd of 65,000 congregants. I know, I know. That will leave many of you on the outside looking in. But take comfort in the knowledge that should you be unable to procure one of the $350 tickets, you will be able to turn to this blog for updates.