Vacation update

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. It has been a busy week. In the last three days, I have gone mountain biking in Virginia, cave-sniffing in Tennessee and canoeing in North Carolina. I also ministered to a beaver, several groundhogs and a pair of deer, and I lectured a bloodthirsty tick on the error of his lifestyle choices. "Take one more step toward me, infidel, and you will fall victim to my Revolution!" I barked. I urged him to change his parasitic ways, embrace a halaal diet and attend regular services at the Dogloo mosque. God willing, he will see the light and repent.

In addition to these adventures, I was a witness to much workplace intrigue at the excellent Shatley Springs family-style dining establishment. As my dinner party chowed down on limitless portions of fried chicken and other fine foods last night, we overheard the waitress at the neighboring table complain to her customers about a thief who had been stealing her tips. "I think it's one of the co-workers," she said, in a heavy Southern drawl. "You know, you think you know somebody, and then they go and do something like that!"

Later, our waitress, speaking in a similarly heavy Southern drawl, seemed oddly interested in the neighboring table's affairs. "Did they not leave her a tip?" she asked incredulously, craning her neck. "The last three customers stiffed her. I can't imagine doing that!" We informed her that the customers had tipped the waitress directly rather than leave any money on the table. A look of disappointment flashed on her face. I suspect that she may have to wait a few more days to buy that new pair of shoes.

Hang 'em high

Behold the sight of Beaver, my flock. He has been identified as the infidel in our midst, and he is suffering the fate reserved for the ministry's worst enemies: the banana hook. Beaver has been hanging from his paddle-like tail since yesterday afternoon. Let the sight of his chipped tooth and his cotton-gaping severed paws serve as a warning to other chew toys who would think to conspire against the ministry! At this very moment, Wendell is "interrogating" the infidel to gain additional intelligence. If Beaver had accomplices, they will not escape justice.

You may think that this punishment is barbaric, my flock, but do not be swayed by the mainstream media or the United Nations' recent resolution to ban banana hooks. Instead, keep in mind that Beaver was engaged in a truly heinous plot. Was he trying to build a radioactive dirty bomb, or overthrow the ministry as the infidel Blue Bull did nearly two years ago? No, but Beaver's actions were no less ghastly. He sought to dehydrate Wendell and me by damming up our water bowls.