Mugsy takes a bite out of the Big Apple

Greetings, my flock. I come to you today from Long Island City, Queens, the ministry's temporary base of operations in New York, where I have set up an inflatable Dogloo-mosque tent at a friend's apartment. But before I regale you with tales of the Empire State, I must briefly touch upon a pair of milestone events in the weekends leading up to my departure. I have missed many fine blogging opportunities in recent weeks, among them:

• The NBA All-Star Weekend in Dallas, where I rubbed elbows with such luminaries as Magic Johnson, Charles Barkley, Dwyane Wade and Biz Markie, and where my long-limbed and ultra-athletic brother Wendell received a contract offer from the lowly New Jersey Nets. "No thanks," he told them. "I think I'll stick with a winner in Pug Life Ministries."
• A convention of "furries" in Dallas the following weekend, where hundreds of people dressed like massive chew toys descended upon the region. The local newspaper even wrote a story about it, eliciting much snickering among the populace. But I sensed a possible dark undercurrent. Could this fusion of human and chew toy be a threat to the ministry? I had to investigate. So Wendell and I went undercover, into the heart of the furry beast. Unfortunately, our night ended early when Wendell was arrested on an aggravated assault charge and officers had to use the Jaws of Life to pry him from the leg of a 7-foot-tall teddy bear's leg. The ministry is accepting donations for Wendell's legal defense fund.

This brings us to our present trip to New York City. Wendell's parole officer felt that some time away would do the pup some good, and I had an invitation from The Late Show with David Letterman, so we stowed away in our parents' carry-on luggage last weekend and flew to New York. The region was only hours removed from its latest blizzard when we touched down at LaGuardia, but the runways and sidewalks were mostly clear by the time I arrived. I like to think it's because they knew I was coming.

Since our arrival, we have been busy taking in the many sights and smells and, yes, tastes of New York. So here, in honor of Mr. Letterman, is a Top 10 list of our trip so far.

10 We went up to the observation deck of the Empire State Building for a bird's-eye view of the city. The Top of the Rock at Rockefeller Center, which we visited on a previous trip, probably has a better overall view, but there's still satisfaction to be gained anytime a fur-covered creature successfully scales the Empire State Building without taking hostile fire from a gaggle of biplanes.

9 We built a snowpug in Central Park, which just a couple of days earlier had received 21 inches of snowfall.

8 We witnessed an apparent snowman murder scene in that very same park, complete with yellow crime-scene tape, two pink-iced victims and an ax-wielding snowman. This sight prompted me to immediately go into CSI: Snowman mode, as I began to carefully document the crime scene with my camera and conduct spatter analysis. The ax-wielding fellow is currently a snowperson of interest.

7 We visited the Frick Collection near Central Park, an art museum set in an early 1900s mansion.

6 We toured the Federal Reserve Bank in Lower Manhattan and descended 70 feet below street level to see tens of billions of dollars in gold bars. Sadly, my request for a free sample was denied.

5 We sampled some massive cupcakes from Crumbs bakery.

4 Our wonderful hostess for this trip, let's call her The German, gave us a guided nighttime automobile tour of Brooklyn and Manhattan. It was a new vantage point for us usually pedestrian pugs, and after a long day of walking, it was nice to cross the Brooklyn Bridge and see the city lights from the heated comfort of her rented Toyota (which, with the help of my prayers, was able to brake successfully at all stoplights).

3 We attended Wednesday night's Big Terrific comedy show in Williamsburg, Brooklyn. The weekly show features writers from The Colbert Report and Saturday Night Live as well as comedians who have appeared on Comedy Central and VH1. And did I mention that it's free and held in a tiny room behind a bar/restaurant? I highly recommend it to anyone who's in the area and likes to laugh. I typically don't, but I made an exception in this instance.

2 We've thus far attended three Broadway shows: God of Carnage, a so-so comedic play starring Jimmy Smits, Annie Potts and Christine Lahti; Chicago, an excellent musical featuring one of the non-Beyonce members of Destiny's Child; and A View From the Bridge, a fantastic Arthur Miller play starring Liev Schreiber and Scarlett Johansson. If my efforts to woo Ms. Johansson to the harem prove successful, this may move to No. 1 on the list.

1 My appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman, alongside the brilliant Jerry Seinfeld and the crusty my-generation-is-better-than-yours bore Tom Brokaw.

The road show hits Atlanta

Tonight's sermon comes to you live from Atlanta, or as young Wendell calls it, "Hotlanta." Our revival road show arrived in the Georgia capital this afternoon after leaving Topsail Island before sunrise, and we are now resting at a downtown hotel. Along the way, we met with a powerful man named Pedro, who has established a massive retail, motel and entertainment complex near the South Carolina-North Carolina border. It is all quite tastefully decorated; I delivered a sermon from the top of South of the Border's 165-foot-tall sombrero tower.

After a few more brief roadside appearances in South Carolina and Georgia, we reached Atlanta and went to the World of Coca-Coca attraction, just down the street from our hotel. We had the misfortune of arriving at the same time as a gaggle of rambunctious schoolchildren. As our tour began, we were herded into one room after another with the rowdy students, unable to break away. A woman led the children in exercises of Coke-fueled groupthink. "Are we thirsty?" she'd ask. "Yes!" the children would answer. "What's our favorite drink?" she'd yell. "Coca-Cola!" the youths would say. It was horrifying, seeing the Stepford children so mindlessly pledge their allegiance to a soft drink. I was, frankly, a bit disturbed that this was the setting for a school field trip. I was also disappointed in myself for not coming up with a similar indoctrination tool for Pug Life Ministries.

After tasting most of the 64 flavors of international Coca-Cola products (the Zimbabwean Sparberry was a favorite), my entourage moved next door to the wonderful Georgia Aquarium. I highly recommend it for anyone interested in aquatic creatures, although you should be advised that the facility's regulations expressly prohibit anyone from bringing a fishing pole onto the premises. Mother was most disappointed. Before leaving, I liberated an electric eel from his tank, and the ministry is now working to weaponize it. Purely for defensive purposes, of course.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must go drink a Coca-Cola.

Vacation update

Assalamu alaikum, my flock. It has been a busy week. In the last three days, I have gone mountain biking in Virginia, cave-sniffing in Tennessee and canoeing in North Carolina. I also ministered to a beaver, several groundhogs and a pair of deer, and I lectured a bloodthirsty tick on the error of his lifestyle choices. "Take one more step toward me, infidel, and you will fall victim to my Revolution!" I barked. I urged him to change his parasitic ways, embrace a halaal diet and attend regular services at the Dogloo mosque. God willing, he will see the light and repent.

In addition to these adventures, I was a witness to much workplace intrigue at the excellent Shatley Springs family-style dining establishment. As my dinner party chowed down on limitless portions of fried chicken and other fine foods last night, we overheard the waitress at the neighboring table complain to her customers about a thief who had been stealing her tips. "I think it's one of the co-workers," she said, in a heavy Southern drawl. "You know, you think you know somebody, and then they go and do something like that!"

Later, our waitress, speaking in a similarly heavy Southern drawl, seemed oddly interested in the neighboring table's affairs. "Did they not leave her a tip?" she asked incredulously, craning her neck. "The last three customers stiffed her. I can't imagine doing that!" We informed her that the customers had tipped the waitress directly rather than leave any money on the table. A look of disappointment flashed on her face. I suspect that she may have to wait a few more days to buy that new pair of shoes.

Greetings from Asheville

Greetings, my flock. I am writing to you from my mountaintop chateau in Asheville, N.C., where I have focused the efforts of the ministry's Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus in recent days. The area was chosen for its natural beauty, vibrant downtown and high density of mountain folk. Watching television recently, I learned that hillbillies may have a great deal of money to contribute to the ministry, as well as something called "Texas tea." I am never one to turn down money in my offering plate or liquid in my water bowl, so this intrigued me.

Today, the ministry's caravan will move north along the Blue Ridge Parkway. God willing, we will find many converts and Jed Clampett-like benefactors.

Nashville star

NASHVILLE, Tenn. (AP) -- After a series of rallies marred by torrential rain and the H1N1 flu virus, Ayatollah Mugsy made a triumphant appearance in Nashville on Sunday as part of his Traveling Islamic Revival Roadshow and Circus.

The religious leader, a pug, barked a nine-hour speech from the steps of the city's full-size Parthenon replica, as rabid followers hung on his every word.

With cotton candy vendors and fire eaters roaming the grounds, the controversial cleric called on the U.S. Congress to pass the so-called "Rawhide Stimulus" bill that has been languishing on Capitol Hill since January. Ayatollah Mugsy also renewed his call for canines to secede from the United States and form a nation he dubbed Pugistan. The secessionist talk drew some of the biggest applause of the night, and Fox News commentator Glen Beck led the crowd in a chant of "Secede from the USA now!" Beck later dubbed the ayatollah "a great American patriot."

Following the ayatollah's marathon speech and his ritualized counting of the offering plate funds and shaming of the nongivers, Mugsy turned the stage over to his brother Wendell. The younger pug was joined by Cowboy Troy and Dolly Parton as he howled a series of country music tunes, ending with a raucous version of "Stand by Your Teddy Bear."

Walking in Memphis

MEMPHIS, Tenn. (AP) -- Federal health officials on Saturday broke up a rally organized by the shadowy group Pug Life Ministries near the late Elvis Presley's Graceland mansion.

Officials say the trouble began when two swine flu sufferers approached the ministry's leader, Ayatollah Mugsy, asking for a cure. The ayatollah is purported to have mystical healing powers, which are transferred through his saliva to a patient's belly button.

As the ayatollah approached the swine flu patients, he was tethered by a leash to his apparent human master, a man dressed in a hazmat suit with a surgical-grade respirator. But before the ayatollah could perform the laying-on-of-tongues ritual, officials with the Centers for Disease Control and Protection swooped in and quarantined the site.

"We now have thousands of people who have been exposed to the swine flu," said one federal health official, on the condition of anonymity. "This is disastrous."

The World Health Organization was less subtle in its response to the incident, issuing a statement that read: "The time to panic is upon us."

Officials with Pug Life Ministries declined to comment. But the Islamic Elvii, a radical Memphis offshoot of the ministry that combines the ayatollah's brand of canine Islam with rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuits, issued a statement downplaying any talk of a worsening pandemic.

"That's all right, mama," said one Elvii official, speaking on the condition of anonymity.

Mugsy's on the move

LITTLE ROCK, Ark. (AP) -- Hundreds of pilgrims descended upon a makeshift mosque set up in a field off Interstate 40 early Saturday to welcome Ayatollah Mugsy, the mysterious leader of Pug Life Ministries.

After waiting in line for several hours, many of the pilgrims said they were disappointed that the mercurial cleric only made a 20-second appearance.

"It was raining, and the ayatollah doesn't like baths," said a source with the ministry who asked to remain anonymous. "Plus, he had to get to Graceland before closing time."