Mugsy addresses planned Quran-burning

The pastor of a Florida church says his congregation plans to go through with its plan to burn Qurans on Sept. 11 despite the objections of Gen. David Petraeus, who warned that the action could endanger American troops.

Terry Jones, pastor of Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville, says he wants to send a message to radical Muslims that America won't be controlled "by their fears and threats." Instead, he prefers to let his own fears and threats light the way. Jones says he is taking the general's warning seriously and understands that his actions could provoke violent opposition in Iraq and Afghanistan. But, apparently, a good book-burning is just too much fun to pass up. As an ayatollah who has gotten years of mileage (and toasty winter fireplaces) out of The Satanic Verses, I can sympathize. 

Oh, how angry I would be if
you purchased and burned
thousands of my bumper stickers
as well!

But the Nobel Peace Prize aspirant in me tells me there has got to be a better way. So I come before you today to offer a compromise solution. Mr. Jones, do not burn the holy Qurans. Instead, show your hatred of Muslims by burning posters of yours truly. Surely the image of my stern visage, my paw-printed turban and my Dogloo mosque will stir the pyromaniac fury of your congregation. Just imagine the sight of tens of thousands of Ayatollah Mugsy posters, crackling and blackening and curling, ashes tossed to the wind as your congregation roars its approval. And if you order today and choose premium shipping, they can all be at your church's doorstep by Sept. 11, in deluxe flammable packaging. Visit my online gift shop to take advantage of this special offer.