Turkey time

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. May the humans be extra-careless with their turkey at the dinner table today. And may Allah bless the lowly Aggies, just this once, so that they might smite the infidel Longhorns.

Amen.

Hang 'em high

Behold the sight of Beaver, my flock. He has been identified as the infidel in our midst, and he is suffering the fate reserved for the ministry's worst enemies: the banana hook. Beaver has been hanging from his paddle-like tail since yesterday afternoon. Let the sight of his chipped tooth and his cotton-gaping severed paws serve as a warning to other chew toys who would think to conspire against the ministry! At this very moment, Wendell is "interrogating" the infidel to gain additional intelligence. If Beaver had accomplices, they will not escape justice.

You may think that this punishment is barbaric, my flock, but do not be swayed by the mainstream media or the United Nations' recent resolution to ban banana hooks. Instead, keep in mind that Beaver was engaged in a truly heinous plot. Was he trying to build a radioactive dirty bomb, or overthrow the ministry as the infidel Blue Bull did nearly two years ago? No, but Beaver's actions were no less ghastly. He sought to dehydrate Wendell and me by damming up our water bowls.

Justice is served

Last week, I wrote of a looming threat facing the ministry. I immediately went to work to sniff out the infidel in our midst, leaving no stone unturned. Security was heightened throughout the compound, and Wendell and I stepped up our patrols along the fence line. Over the weekend, I traveled to Oklahoma to meet with the schnauzer Rabbi Jake, peace be upon him. Jake's wise counsel is always valued, and we put in place a plan to flush out this infidel. At this very moment, my security forces are closing in. An arrest is imminent, my flock. The infidel cannot hide; he cannot escape. He can only know the righteous justice of Pug Life Ministries! More details to come ...

Puppy watch

In my line of work, it is imperative to reach out to the young. The puppies of today, after all, are the imams of tomorrow. So I have taken great interest in this Web site.

My life with pack rats

In recent days, Wendell and I have been helping father clean out the weight room, which has doubled as a large closet and junk repository. The room's large closet was packed to the ceiling with boxes, and we have been sniffing through them to try to downsize our collection. Many of the boxes we found have not been touched since the day we moved into our compound in early 2003, which should be an indication that these items are not vital to the continuing operation of the household. But we did not want to simply throw them out without first going through them. Among our finds the last two days:

• A large stack of 8-year-old copies of the Detroit Free Press.
• Not one but two Snoopy Sno-Cone Machines. For those who aren't aware of this magical device, the Snoopy model is the standard for hand-cranked ice crushing.
• A troll doll.
• A grotesquely curled-up refrigerator magnet of Michelangelo's David.
• An ancient device called a "dot-matrix" printer.
• A litter box from an ill-conceived experiment conducted when I was a puppy in a small apartment.
• A baby gate, from another puppy experiment.
• A baseball bat autographed by Hall of Famer Al Kaline.
• A small kit labeled "The Art of Belly Dancing."
• A framed Presidential Academic Fitness Award signed by the first President Bush.
• A piece of the Berlin Wall.
• Most exciting of all, a package of vintage rawhide chew sticks, circa 2002.

Review: Cesar Millan's new DVD set

As a leading authority in the canine community, I was recently offered a chance to review the new Cesar Millan DVD set Mastering Leadership. I have some concerns about such programs, and in fact, I am developing my own TV pilot in which I teach dogs techniques to better control their humans. But mother was eager to view the DVDs, so I accepted the set on her behalf. After all, if the techniques could bring a little discipline to my ankle-biting little brother, it couldn't be all bad. Here is mother's review of the set.

I often watch Dog Whisperer on the National Geographic Channel, but I hadn't really tried any of his techniques. (To be honest, I just thought it was funny to watch how Mugsy and Wendell would respond to some of the dogs on TV.) But little Wendell is one of those dogs who would gladly pull you through a walk, choking and wheezing all the way. So I turned to Cesar Millan's three-DVD set, Mastering Leadership, for some advice. The first DVD is just Cesar talking to folks about keys to keeping your dogs happy and healthy. If you've ever seen the show, the ideas in this part will all be pretty familiar — give your dog exercise, then discipline, then affection; calm, assertive energy makes you a pack leader; your dog is not a human. The second DVD was what proved really helpful for me (and Wendell). I watched the segment that featured Dixie, a Jack Russell terrier who yipped and pulled her way through every walk. I was happy to note that Dixie was even worse at walking on a leash than Wendell. After watching, I used Cesar's advice on walking your dog — have calm, assertive energy; don't let the dog walk in front of you; and correct bad behavior the moment it starts. The results were really good — by the end of the walk, Wendell was happily trotting behind me, and I only had to do an occasional correction. We've got a lot of work to do on having Wendell stay calm when we pass other dogs and people, but that's something Cesar covers in the DVD, too. I'm looking forward to trying those techniques, as well.

All smiles at the dog park

The dog park was swarming with canine activity. Wendell and I made the rounds and soon found ourselves snout to snout with a fellow pug (right) and her human caretaker. Though we'd never met the woman before, she seemed happy to see us and bent down to pat our silky heads. To paraphrase the great philosopher Will Rogers, "A stranger is just a follower I haven't indoctrinated."