Schnauzer houseguest

I am awaiting the arrival of Rabbi Jake, my longtime friend and the head of the Jewish wing of Pug Life Ministries. Given the rapidly deteriorating situation in the Middle East, we felt it necessary to do whatever we could to promote peace in the region. So we are convening an emergency summit to try to talk some sense into the feuding factions. I am less optimistic now than I was during our last attempt, but we must give it a shot. Otherwise, we will never win a Nobel Peace Prize.

Even if our appeal for peace fails, we can still do some much-needed preparation for the upcoming Pug Life Telethon. Rabbi Jake tells me he knows where we can get a great deal on kazoos.

Since I been gone

Since we last corresponded, I have been busy organizing the greatest spectacle of a telethon this world has ever seen. Just yesterday, recording star Kelly Clarkson canceled her summer tour so that she could devote all her energies to a telethon performance. "Though I am sacrificing potentially millions of dollars," she said, "it is worth it to help my fellow North Texan and spiritual adviser. Without the ayatollah, I would be nothing." I have been in talks with other celebrities as well, and I believe you will be pleased with the star-studded mix that awaits on telethon day. More details to come.

Stroke of genius

My friends, I have an exciting announcement to make. While nursing on my monkey foot, I entered a place of perfect calm and clarity. My mind focused, and I understood Allah's plan like never before. And then it hit, smack-dab in my already-flattened face: an epiphany. An idea that touches on all the key missions of Pug Life Ministries -- spiritual outreach, charity, fundraising. My friends, this will be a milestone in canine history. What is it, you ask? I will tell you. A telethon!

Yes, like the great Jerry Lewis before me, I will be holding a telethon. What better way to raise the ministry's profile in France? Allah willing, there will be more exciting details to come.

Sole obsession

Good day, faithful adherents of canine Islam. I regret that I have not had time to post in recent days, but I have been incredibly busy. With what, you ask? I have been suckling the monkey foot. By nursing at the toe of my stuffed monkey, I have gained incredible clarity, finding a place of zen, if you will. My intensity in these sessions with the monkey has grown legendary around the ayatollah compound. The outside world is of no concern to me; it is just me and the slobber-hardened monkey foot. So great is my single-minded focus that my mother has described it as "really creepy." But she is a mere human; how could she be expected to understand this higher plane of enlightenment? The humans have tried to capture a photo of these monkey-suckling, chi-channeling moments, but to no avail. The camera distracts me, and the moment is gone, quickly fleeting into memory like my morning kibble.

But I have found a photo here, in the ministry's archives. He is the orange-eyed primate to the left of the Blue Satan. Don't panic, however; I am not cavorting with the enemy. Intensive counseling sessions have broken the monkey of his revolutionary brainwashing. He was, deep down, a good monkey who fell in with the wrong crowd. And as a former juvenile delinquent, I understand as well as anyone the importance of a second chance. The monkey's sole allegiance is now to the ministry, and he has put his best foot forward to prove it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have business to attend to.

Incident involving the pope

I know that there has been great concern within Pug Life Ministries today over an incident involving Pope Pius Pug. Let me assure you all that he is doing well. The pontiff, head of Pug Life's Catholic wing and my longtime business partner, was going for a spin at the Vatican when a deranged man tried to jump into his popemobile. My sources in the Swiss Guard tell me that this man, a German, was screaming "I must feel the fur! The soft, soft fur!" as he reached out for the pope. Fortunately, members of the pope's ARF security detail were able to quickly wrestle the assailant to the ground, disorienting him with copious amounts of slobber before shackling him with a choke-chain collar.

This man is now being transferred to Syrian custody for "interrogation."

Pugaday.com appearance

Greetings, future citizens of Pugistan. A photo of me in my last Pug-O-Ween garb was recently chosen for display on Pugaday.com, and I was happy to be able to add to the daily parade of pugs there. But it was insinuated in the comments that perhaps I should feel shame for being dressed in such a manner. So let me set the record straight.

I am secure enough in my ayatollahhood to show the world my yellow, modified-from-the-toddler-aisle Pugly Duckling suit, complete with its masculine tuft of white fuzz on top -- just as I am comfortable sharing images of my crimefighting outfit and my equestrian gear. And all other canines should feel free to don a costume as well. Let no human tell you otherwise. If we cannot let our turbans down for Pug-O-Ween, when can we?

The fur flies

As the temperature rises, my desire to spend time outdoors diminishes. We pugs are a temperate breed. The Texas heat does not suit us, and so we thank Allah for the air conditioning and morning walks that help us through these not-so-dog days of summer. But it is said that every ozone cloud has a silver lining. In this case, that silver lining is piling up on my carpet and furniture as we speak. Thanks to God's brilliant plan, I have shed enough fur in the last week for a batch of 5,000 additional patriotic ribbons. Order yours today.