The old gang

As I mentioned in an earlier post, I was once a gang-banger. I ran with Mara Salvatrucha, also known as MS-13. It was only after I was betrayed (and forced to suffer the humiliation of wearing a cone around my neck while I recovered from my wounds) that I left MS-13. My old gang made big news this week, with 660 members arrested in five countries. Officials say it's only the first step toward their goal of eradicating the gang within the next 18 months. Since my affiliation is now with Allah, not MS-13, I can say that this was a truly impressive operation. One would imagine that the authorities must have had an awfully in-the-know informant to deal such a damaging blow to such a dangerous gang. I would advise all of those MS-13 members who have been fortunate enough to escape this week with their freedom to give up this destructive lifestyle. Follow the path of righteousness that God has laid before us. And consider donating your ill-gotten gains to a worthy cause, perhaps a certain canine-centric ministry.

In unrelated news, the federal government has dropped all criminal charges against me and against Pug Life Ministries. I maintained all along that the charges were baseless, and now Pug Life has been vindicated. Allahu Akbar!

Mugsy issues fatwa

I hereby order all telemarketers and spammers -- including the loathsome fellows who have recently started plying their useless wares in comments on this blog -- to get real jobs. I will grant a five-day grace period for these cretins to prepare their woefully unimpressive resumes and check the employment ads in their local newspapers. After such time, it will be the duty of all Pug Life followers to spit upon these heathen time-thieves.

Back from N. Korea

It's been a while since my last post, a result of North Korea's restrictions on Internet access. I realize that my absence has left a considerable void in the lives of many Pug Life followers, and for this I apologize. But with Kim Jong Il holding a banquet and flower-naming ceremony in my honor, it would have been impolite not to attend. Upon my return from Pyongyang, I was saddened to learn that New Orleans was largely at the bottom of Lake Pontchartrain. I visited the Big Easy just last October. I toured the city in a carriage pulled by a mule named Charlie. I ate beignets (on more than one occasion) at Cafe du Mond. I cruised the bayou with a Cajun boat captain, my hackles rising at the sight of several alligators. I invested mosque funds at Harrah's casino. I avoided countless shoe-shine scams. I wandered Bourbon Street, marveling at the nightly debauchery. And just a couple of weeks ago, I was pricing plane tickets to New Orleans, thinking to myself how nice it would be to return for a weekend trip. My prayers are with the victims of Hurricane Katrina, and with a truly unique city. Here's hoping that it will rise again.

The Humane Society of the United States is working to rescue animals stranded by the hurricane. Many of the saddest stories coming from New Orleans are of evacuees being forced to leave their pets behind. To donate to the Humane Society, click here.

Visiting the Sooner State

I recently traveled to Oklahoma, the homeland of my adoptive parents, to help officiate a wedding. I'm not terribly optimistic about the married future of the not-so-happy couple (it's probably not a good sign when the groom takes a long pause -- an uneasy look on his face -- before repeating the "till death do us part" statement). But the reception featured a chocolate fountain, which made the trip to Stillwater almost worthwhile. Among the guests was Eddie Sutton, the basketball coach at Oklahoma State University, and I was astonished to learn that the normally hangdog coach is capable of smiling. The day after the nuptials, I traveled to Oklahoma City, where I dined at Toby Keith's I Love This Bar & Grill. I'm generally not a fan of country music, but I must confess a soft spot for Mr. Keith. It must be his sense of humor, or perhaps the smell of his boot. In any case, the food was good and the portions gigantic. My chicken-fried steak was bigger than my turban.

The Capitalist Pug's stock picks

Humans are often surprised to hear that I consider myself a capitalist pug. "But Mugsy," they say, "aren't you bent on establishing a theocratic state that you will rule over with an iron paw?" Yes, it is true that I am working to set up an autonomous pug homeland in the American Southwest, with all residents subject to Sharia law and my own personal whims. But that doesn't mean I'm a communist or in any way anti-capitalist. Money is the lifeblood of revolution, after all. And so I would like to launch this occasional series to share my investing knowledge with the masses. I consider myself to be, for the most part, a value investor -- in the mold of Warren Buffett and Benjamin Graham. I also have a bit of a contrarian streak; I'm not afraid to buy when everybody else is heading for the exits. So when a growing, high-quality company hits a 52-week low, it catches my attention. It doesn't hurt that this is a company whose stores I am quite familiar with.

Shares of PetsMart (PETM) dropped 13.5 percent on Thursday after the company reported disappointing second-quarter results and management lowered its guidance for fiscal 2005. PetsMart has produced excellent long-term results, and I believe this drop in the share price has created an excellent buying opportunity. Demographic trends favor continued growth for PetsMart, as more and more people experience the joys of pet ownership. The company has ample opportunity to gain market share, with plans to double its store base. Its price-to-earnings growth ratio of 1 and P/E of 20 are both below the industry average, though PetsMart is a superior company with an unparalleled selection of halaal rawhide. The dividend yield is a paltry 0.5 percent, but it has increased 200 percent over the last year. Long-term investors can benefit greatly by buying companies that steadily increase dividends. The decline in PetsMart's share price may not be over -- it's down over 30 percent this year -- and the company's troubles could continue in the short term. But I believe PetsMart is a solid long-term investment. I wouldn't hesitate to buy at under $26 a share.

Full disclosure -- The ayatollah does not own shares of PetsMart, but he is planning to break open his puggy bank.

This ministry can't stand pat

Pat Robertson, that enlightened font of televangelistic wisdom, has apologized for calling for the assassination of the democratically elected president of Venezuela. Of course, he didn't apologize right away. First he lied during Wednesday's airing of "The 700 Club," using the old-standby excuse that the media had taken his earlier remarks out of context. Never mind that he was on the air Monday when he said the following about Hugo Chavez: "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability." He also made the baffling assertion that Mr. Chavez was bent on exporting Islamic extremism across the Americas. Venezuela is, apparently, a hotbed of Islamic extremism. Now, I'm not upset by what Mr. Robertson said. This is the man who a couple of years ago suggested that it would be a good idea to detonate a "very small nuke" at the State Department headquarters; I've come to expect such wackiness. I'm fairly certain that he believes the Teletubbies are homosexuals, even if he hasn't said so publicly. What bothers me is that Mr. Robertson has a TV show, and I don't. If anyone ever had a mug for television, surely it is I. So I've set out to rectify this injustice. My first step: Writing an unsolicited letter to a television network. God willing, I will take my ministry to the airwaves. If any of you television-savvy readers have any suggestions or prime-time time slots to offer, I'd be happy to hear from you.

I smell a Ratzinger

I'd like to share with you a dispatch from Pope Pius Pug, my business partner, er, fellow religious leader in Pug Life Ministries. On his latest trip abroad, to Germany, he encountered an apparently deranged man who claimed to be the pope. This imposter had even gone so far as to call himself "God's Rottweiler," though he was quite clearly a human. Members of the elite Swiss Guard took the man, Joseph Ratzinger, into custody as he was giving a speech at a synagogue in Cologne. Pope Pius Pug promised me that Mr. Ratzinger would receive some "old-style Vatican justice." Amen to that.