This ministry can't stand pat

Pat Robertson, that enlightened font of televangelistic wisdom, has apologized for calling for the assassination of the democratically elected president of Venezuela. Of course, he didn't apologize right away. First he lied during Wednesday's airing of "The 700 Club," using the old-standby excuse that the media had taken his earlier remarks out of context. Never mind that he was on the air Monday when he said the following about Hugo Chavez: "If he thinks we're trying to assassinate him, I think we really ought to go ahead and do it. It's a whole lot cheaper than starting a war. ... We have the ability to take him out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability." He also made the baffling assertion that Mr. Chavez was bent on exporting Islamic extremism across the Americas. Venezuela is, apparently, a hotbed of Islamic extremism. Now, I'm not upset by what Mr. Robertson said. This is the man who a couple of years ago suggested that it would be a good idea to detonate a "very small nuke" at the State Department headquarters; I've come to expect such wackiness. I'm fairly certain that he believes the Teletubbies are homosexuals, even if he hasn't said so publicly. What bothers me is that Mr. Robertson has a TV show, and I don't. If anyone ever had a mug for television, surely it is I. So I've set out to rectify this injustice. My first step: Writing an unsolicited letter to a television network. God willing, I will take my ministry to the airwaves. If any of you television-savvy readers have any suggestions or prime-time time slots to offer, I'd be happy to hear from you.