Pay no mind to that clicking on the phone

It has come to my attention that the news media have been reporting some unflattering things about me. They say I've been spying on my congregation, using illegal wiretaps. An abuse of my immense power, they call it. My lawyer has advised me not to address these outrageous charges directly. But I will say this: I would not think of employing such methods if I did not believe they were in the best interests of Pug Life Ministries. There are many who would do us harm, so we must take mosqueland security seriously. Hypothetically speaking, it might become necessary to monitor the communications or food intake of a suspected enemy of the congregation to ensure our safety. It is understandable if this sort of talk frightens you, for it is unsettling to think of such evildoers. But you can take comfort in the knowledge that I am here to protect you. If necessary, I will do what the legal authorities will not. Why? Because I care about you, and I care about this congregation -- the greatest interfaith, interspecies ministry in the world. God bless Pug Life.