Having a ball

It has been a busy weekend here at the ayatollah compound. Rabbi Jake came to visit, and he brought some of my relatives and followers along with him. The big event -- and the primary reason for his visit -- occurred Saturday night, when Rabbi Jake was the special guest barker at the inaugural Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts Spring Cotillion. It was a splendid evening -- an occasion to honor the girls who sold the most Mugsy Scout cookies throughout the year. They all dressed up in their finest gowns and enjoyed an evening of well-mannered song and dance with their canine escorts. (My little brother, Wendell, was quite a hit, as he dances a mean foxtrot.)

As the festivities began, each Scout was presented with a merit badge, as well as a rawhide necklace to ensure that even the homeliest child had no trouble finding a dance partner.

Presidential politics

In recent days, the news media have begun to focus intently on my relationship with one of the leading presidential candidates, who has called me a longtime spiritual adviser. The media have seized upon some comments made in my fiery sermons, calling them controversial. There have been insinuations that I am some kind of nefarious influence, pulling the puppet strings to ensure that this candidate furthers the canine Muslim agenda. So I am here to set the record straight.

The fact that I have preached about the virtues of canine secession does not mean that this presidential hopeful shares these views. Nor does it mean that the candidate does not share these views (wink, wink).

Mugsy honors heroes

It has been a long time since I last had reason to award the ministry's highest human honor, the Pug Life Medal of Valor. But the recent actions of two men have reaffirmed my faith in a small pocket of humankind. Let the record show that a grateful canine nation honors the bravery of these two men.

RANDY EARL: When the West Virginian's small boat capsized as he was fishing with his dog Lacy, a black spaniel mix, he stayed in the 50-degree water with his life jacket while making sure Lacy was OK. "I put the dog on top of the boat," the 53-year-old said. When a state trooper arrived to rescue him, Earl asked the trooper to save the dog first.

STEPHEN (ODIE) ODOM: The Louisiana firefighter rescued two tiny terriers from a smoke-filled room during a fire last Friday. After noticing that one was not breathing, Odom removed his face mask and placed the dog's head inside so the oxygen could blow in its face. He then used his CPR training, including mouth-to-snout resuscitation, to revive the dog. Five minutes later, the dog began looking around and was returned to the owner of the house. Fire officials said they didn't know the dog's name. "We could just call it 'Lucky,"' said one official.

If any among you should happen upon these two brave men, I urge you to give them a pat on the back, or a rub on the belly. They embody the spirit of Pug Life Ministries. Thank you, Randy and Stephen. Copious amounts of rawhide surely await you both in heaven.

Mugsy issues fatwa for travelers

During my recent travels, I encountered a wide range of airport security measures. There was the anti-liquid bent of the Americans, who apparently believe that saline solution and Diet Coke can bring down a plane. There was the overzealous bag-searching and overly friendly body-patting of the Germans, who needed five minutes to deduce that my father's eyeglass case was not a threat. And there was the refreshing yet somewhat alarming laxity of the Italians, who didn't so much as stamp my passport despite my nearly two weeks in their fair country.

All of us who have flown have experienced the long lines and frustrating waits (especially when scrambling to make a connecting flight) that these security measures produce. But I am here to tell you, my flock, that it does not have to be this way. Humans bring much of this misery upon themselves through their lack of preparation. I stood by, dumbfounded, as traveler after traveler took the slowest path possible through the security line. What could have been a 10-minute wait routinely became a 30-minute wait. But I say "no more!" It is time to demand better. It is time to breeze through the security line in time to buy some #*@&#* Reese's Pieces before take-off! The infidels who slow us all down have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa!! Henceforth, the following rules must be observed by all travelers -- for the betterment of all animalkind.

1. If you see that security is requiring people to take off their shoes, do so before you reach the front of the line. Walking 10 feet in your socks won't hurt you.
2. When going through a metal detector, do not wait until you reach the machine to start fumbling around and putting your belongings in the little bowl security provides. Take all your metal-containing objects -- coins, keys, phone, watch, belt -- and place them in a carry-on bag or zip-up coat pocket before you reach the front of the line. Then you need only send that one item through the metal detector while you walk through alarm-free.
3. Yes, take off your metal-buckled belt. Even if it didn't set off the detector in Toledo.

Home, at last

I am back at the ayatollah compound after an Italian adventure that included two flight cancellations and an unplanned journey to Oklahoma City, hastily arranged to avoid spending a night at Washington Dulles airport. My entourage and I arrived back in our Dallas-area abode in a borrowed car late Saturday. And what indignity then awaited me? I found that I was to be cruelly stripped of an hour of sleep that night by Daylight Saving Time. If ever there was any doubt that this nation is controlled by corrupt corporate interests, proof can surely be found in the timing of this time change. It strikes right at the heart of the holy pug trinity of sleeping, eating and chewing. What should have been a glorious hour of sleep is now gone forever, as is a cherished hour of weekend cuddling time.

When I am caliph of Pugistan, God willing, we will spring forward at 4 o'clock on a Monday afternoon.

Art-filled day

I come to you today from under a Tuscan sun, my flock, although it is somewhat obscured at the moment by rainclouds. This morning, I visited the world-famous Uffizi art gallery, and then I traveled north to the Accademia gallery, where I saw Michelangelo's David. Never before had I been so impressed by the sight of a naked man, my flock. Let me amend that. Never before had I been impressed by the sight of a naked man. But it was truly a marvel -- it must have stood 20 feet above the floor.

Of all the wonders I have seen in Italy, one sight still eludes me. I have yet to spot an Italian pug. Tomorrow, Wendell and I will travel to Pisa in hopes of salvaging this trip. And perhaps we will offer some architectural advice on a certain crooked tower. Allah be with you.

Wendell's travel journal

Wendell here. Big bro is busy sniffing the Italian women. Earlier, he visited the grave site of some guy named Machiavelli. Said it was one of his heroes. I don't know about that, but I like Florence. Gelato, yum!