Happy campers

The children and puppies arrived at noon today for the first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp. We have 36 human children and two puppies taking part. It was supposed to be 38 children, but ARF Supreme Commander Brody the Bulldog found some red flags in the background checks of a couple of the youths. It seems they have a history of tail-pulling and treat-teasing. Naturally, these two youths have been detained indefinitely for questioning. We cannot take any chances with troublemakers.

We just wrapped up our 10-mile hike under the scorching Texas sun. (I rode alongside the children barking orders from my air-conditioned car.) Now, the youths are taking a three-hour multiple-choice exam that I prepared for them. Those who do not pass will be sent home with no refund. For proper indoctrination, the children must be physically and mentally fit. Perhaps I will post some sample questions later so that you can see how you would fare. I can already tell that this is going to be a great week of camp. Peace be upon you all.

Trouble brewing

Loyal Pug Lifer Chackler has alerted me to this shocking photo being displayed on Cute Overload. What were the humans thinking giving this pug puppy a beer? Alcohol is strictly forbidden under Islam. And as Chackler pointed out, that is doubly so for an inferior brew such as Beck's. It is written in the Quran: "The devil wants only to cast among you enmity and hatred by means of strong drink and games of chance and to turn you from remembering Allah and from prayer. Will you then desist." So if these humans want to raise their canine as a good Muslim pug, they must immediately stop serving this devilish brew.

In addition to endangering their puppy's soul, these humans are contributing to the immense problem of underage canine drinking. It is a serious issue in this country, and such glamorization of this lifestyle only serves to make matters worse. Sure, the pug may look cute now. But just wait until he grows up to be a raging alcoholic.

Spending priorities

It appears as if the astronauts’ primary focus on their latest mission is to inspect their shuttle for catastrophic damage sustained on liftoff. And given that the outer skin of the space shuttle is more delicate than fine china, I cannot blame them. But it seems to me that the shuttle's time has passed. Surely there are better ways for the taxpayers to spend their borrowed money. Might I suggest some additional spending on faith-based initiatives -- Pug Life Ministries could always use a few extra dollars, for example. The first-ever Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp begins this weekend, and it would be nice if we could afford to feed some of the children. Mr. Treasury Secretary, the PayPal virtual offering plate is to your right.

America's hopes slip away

Japan's Kobayashi pulls away to win it, 53 and three-fourths to 52. The contestants are now hunched over, their mouths stuffed full of hot dogs. American Joey Chestnut's upset bid just came up short. I have witnessed perhaps the greatest sporting event ever. But once Kobayashi's apparent steroid use comes to light, it is sure to be seen as a tainted win. I urge Nathan's to allow canines to enter next year's contest; then the world will see some real eating.

The Barry Bonds of hot dog eating

I am watching the most exciting 12 minutes in sports: The Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest. Takeru Kobayashi, the five-time defending champion, is seen by many as the greatest athlete of his generation. But after seeing a photo of him now next to a photo of him after his first win, it is clear that he is on steroids. He started as a tiny 110-pound man; now he looks like this. This is a huge scandal in the making. We have a possible upset brewing, with somebody named Chestnut leading the defending champion by two hot dogs. Impressive, yes, but I could do better.

Let's celebrate our independence

No, friends, it is not yet time to celebrate Pugistan's independence. But we are only a day away from the 230th birthday of the United States of America (the Great Satan, in ayatollahspeak). And that, my disciples, is reason enough to celebrate ... for now. I wish you all a happy Fourth of July, and I urge you all to be safe and responsible -- under no circumstances is it acceptable to burn down the Ayatollah Compound with stray fireworks. And though we should all enjoy this holiday, we must also remain ultra-vigilant. The scourge of flag-burning is a very real threat. As you can see from the recent attention given the matter in Congress, flag-burning is one of the two or three biggest threats facing this great nation. So be on the lookout for any flag-burning malcontents. And if you see one, tell him Ayatollah Mugsy says to cut it out.

Human's bravery honored

I hereby bestow a Pug Life Medal of Valor on Brent Carey, a South Carolina man who jumped on the back of a 10-foot alligator that was dragging his girlfriend's dog into a lake. His heroism paid off, as the canine was released and ran to shore. Carey received minor injuries in the struggle, and the gator was later shot and killed by state officials. "They informed me that I should not jump on the back of alligators," Carey said.

Don't listen to them, Brent. You did the right thing.