Farewell, Esther

It was a bittersweet day at the ayatollah compound. Esther, our polygamist-sect foster child, was reunited with her parents last night. While we were happy to see the smile on her face, we were also saddened by the realization that she hadn't yet had the time to repaint our chimney or repair our leaning fence. Still, the compound has never been cleaner, and we owe a debt of gratitude to Esther and her strong fundamentalist work ethic. God willing, our application for a foreign-exchange student will be approved, and our other household projects will be taken care of in short order.


Before she left, Esther presented Wendell and me with the outfits she had been sewing for us. Wendell, overcome with puppy excitement, immediately tried his on.



"Esther," I barked, "I think I will save mine for a special occasion."

Sect's big day in court

Today, my flock, a momentous ruling was handed down. An appeals court found that the state of Texas greatly overstepped its bounds when it seized more than 400 children from a polygamist sect ranch in Eldorado. I had long expected such an outcome, as the state's case seemed rather dubious from the start. Several weeks ago, officials with Child Protective Services played up the number of children from the ranch who had suffered broken bones. But those who bothered to look into the numbers would find that the percentage of sect children who had broken bones was actually lower than that of the general population. Children, you see, are clumsy.

The ruling means that our foster child, Esther, could soon be returning home to the ranch. Though she is enjoying her stay at the ayatollah compound, she was clearly pleased with the thought of reuniting with her mother. So Wendell and I took her to a karaoke club this evening to celebrate.

Having led a sheltered life, Esther did not know any of the popular-music selections available -- not even the classic "Baby Got Back." So she instead performed an a capella version of one of the songs she'd learned at the Yearning for Zion Ranch. The audience quickly grew restless, and I feared that tomatoes would fly. But thankfully, Wendell and I were able to defuse the situation and win over the crowd with a stirring rendition of our old standby, "Ebony and Ivory."

My polygamist protege

It has been an exciting day at the ayatollah compound. Esther, our new foster child, has arrived after being plucked from the clutches of a West Texas polygamist compound. A judge this week ordered that Esther and 436 of her peers be placed in foster homes while the court awaits DNA test results and sorts through one of the most complex custody cases in state history. So now Wendell and I have a new protege and playmate to keep us company while our parents are at work. Esther is rather quiet and reserved, but we have found her to be tidy and an excellent cook -- her Milkbone casserole was delicious. As a 12-year-old, Esther was taught years ago that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. She is also quite handy with a needle and thread, and she has promised to sew a new outfit for Wendell as soon as she finishes vacuuming the house.