Memorial Day weekend

The ayatollah compound has seen a whirl of activity this weekend, with five houseguests visiting from far-off locales. Among other things, they introduced the ayatollah clan to bocce, adding fuel to Wendell's ball obsession. Our guests are planning to depart today, and I wish them all a safe journey home. And I pray that they will drop just a little bit more food on the floor before they go.

A pug's got to dream

I have a dream. I dream of a future in which we can move beyond the outdated breakfast/dinner paradigm. I dream of a world in which four meals a day is considered acceptable, in which four meals a day, in fact, is just the beginning. Who's to say that five meals are too many? Or six? I dream of a world of limitless possibilities, my flock. A world where a pug can eat dinner and then, five minutes later, go for an encore. Let us not just celebrate the successes of our daily lives, my flock, let us repeat them! I dream of a mother and father who do not coordinate their feedings, who do not ask one another, "Did you feed the pugs tonight?" I dream of parents who, instead, simply say, "The pugs look hungry." And then feed their furry children without a second thought. This, my flock, is the future we must all strive for. This is the dream yet unrealized, the promise yet unfulfilled. Yet this is no pipe dream. This dream is our destiny. And this, my flock, is why I am now going to go sit beside my food bowl once again.

Not so fast ...

I am concerned, my flock. I fear that the natural order of things is in danger. Credible intelligence reports indicate that my parents have considered buying a device intended to slow down my eating. Perhaps they are well-meaning, but this simply will not do. As my extensive research has shown, a pug must eat each meal in 24 seconds or less to operate at peak efficiency.

Too fast, you say? Nonsense. As any capitalist pug knows, time is money. Every second wasted actually savoring my food is a second that I am not working on a sermon, healing the sick or collecting donations. Do you think I built the religious empire that is Pug Life Ministries -- complete with my astonishing two-figure annual income -- by stopping to smell the roses? No! I stop to smell the mailboxes, certainly, but that serves a purpose -- a purpose that I am sure my canine congregants are enlightened enough to understand.

I must stay focused, with no distractions. When I dine, I dine. And let no human stand in my way.