Election Day surprise

WASHINGTON (AP) -- There was no "October surprise" to shake up the presidential race, but a possible bombshell has landed on Election Day.

U.S. counterterrierism officials said early Tuesday that they are investigating a possible link between enigmatic canine cleric Ayatollah Mugsy and the radical Garden Gnome Liberation Front. The organization, based in France, claims members in numerous countries and advocates an end to "oppressive gardening practices." Rumors of a link between the gnome group and Ayatollah Mugsy gained momentum after the spiritual guide for Pug Life Ministries was spotted wearing a gnome costume to a Pug-O-Ween celebration in Arlington, Texas, possibly in a show of solidarity with his fellow radicals.

"This revelation could have a significant impact on the presidential race," said John Fellows, a professor of political science at Georgetown University. "But it is not clear which of the two major campaigns would be most affected. Ayatollah Mugsy was once a guest speaker at Democratic hopeful Barack Obama's church, along with pastor and amateur comedian Michael Pfleger. But Mugsy also reportedly took part in a casting-out-of-witches ceremony at [GOP vice presidential candidate] Sarah Palin's church in Wasilla, Alaska."

Fellows said that voters' decisions may come down to where they stand on the issue of gnomes' rights, always a touchy subject.

"It is really the third rail of American politics," Fellows said.

The VP debate

There has been much chatter among the TV talking heads about who "won" last night's vice presidential debate. Such talk seems to ignore the fact that this is a presidential election and not a high school debate competition. Adolf Hitler was a stirring and persuasive orator (and no, I'm not comparing either Joe Biden or Sarah Palin to him), but his ideas were all wrong. As Americans watch these debates, they must decide which ticket offers the best ideas and the best strategies for their country. And if they determine that neither candidate is quite right for them, they may want to throw their support and their money behind a certain separatist canine Muslim ministry.

Endorsement for sale

I was recently watching Hardball, as we pugs sometimes do, when an epiphany struck. I had an idea to raise the profile of Pug Life Ministries -- as well as myself, its humble leader -- to new heights. In this day and age, there is no surer path to the media spotlight for a radical cleric than to be associated with a presidential candidate. How many of you had even heard of the Revs. Jeremiah Wright or John Hagee before this campaign season? So just imagine the notoriety that could be attained by one who already leads the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry. I had visions of a mega-Dogloo mosque, a book deal, a swimming pool filled with Milkbones. So I made some phone calls. First one candidate, and then another. Then another, still. And all gave me the same answer: Thanks, but no thanks.


It seems that none of the contenders wanted my endorsement. My sermons on canine rights, my strict fatwas and my connections to alleged terrierist groups have been deemed too radical, too far out of touch with mainstream American values. Fair enough. I figure that if I wait a week or so, at least one candidate's desperation will lead her to come crawling back to me.

Mugsy weighs in on presidential race

Today's lesson, my flock, is on American politics. You might think that a disenfranchised pug such as myself, denied the right to vote based solely on my canine DNA, would have little interest in the presidential race and its corresponding media coverage. But I have kept a close eye on the proceedings -- if for no other reason than to know what not to do as I establish the Pugistani political system.

The way the electoral process is conducted, and the way the media influence it, is in my view damaging to the democratic process. Take Mitt Romney, for example. Many pundits have declared that he will be all but out of the race if he doesn't win today's Republican primary in Michigan. After all, he only finished second in the sparsely populated states of Iowa and New Hampshire. What you rarely, if ever, hear from the pundits is that Romney is actually leading the GOP race in delegates. Many state races are not winner-take-all, but you'd never know that if you strictly listened to the media talking heads.

Now let us look at the Democratic race. Hillary Rodham Clinton was said to be in grave danger after her third-place finish in Iowa, while Barack Obama's popularity was skyrocketing. Then, after her win in the New Hampshire primary, the pundits acted as if Clinton had stormed past Obama in the race. Let us be honest here: All we can glean from these results is that Iowans showed a slight preference for Obama, while those in New Hampshire leaned toward Clinton. And in any case, the vote was close enough in New Hampshire that Clinton and Obama actually won the same amount of delegates in the state. But again, you'd never know that from reading or listening to the so-called experts in the popular media.

I bring these points up not to bolster any particular candidate. This blog is nonpartisan, reflecting my beliefs that the U.S. government is merely there to serve as a placeholder and tax-collecting apparatus for the eventual establishment of a canine Muslim state. But it is my hope that the faithful of Pug Life Ministries will look upon these proceedings with the kind of perspective that is sorely lacking in most election coverage. For the sake of making every vote count and every voice heard, the primary race should be a long, drawn-out process -- regardless of whether the pundits and party bosses want to wrap it up quickly.

To make blanket statements on the election based on the results in Iowa and New Hampshire, whose combined population is smaller than the Dallas-Fort Worth metro area, is ludicrous. It is roughly the equivalent of trying to crown the winner of an NBA basketball game based on who scores the first free throw.