Mugsy condemns secret admirer

It is Valentine's Day, and love is in the air. Unfortunately, some of this affection is creepy and wholly unwelcome. So I must now condemn, in the strongest possible terms, an apparent secret admirer.

This admirer first came to my attention during the middle of last week, when I received two text messages from an unfamiliar phone number in close succession. I opened the first and found a pink-and-red heart background with a long love letter in Spanish. Annoying music began to play as I looked at this message in bewilderment. After turning the volume down, I opened the second message and found an animated photo. It began with a row of scantily clad men and then quickly showed them all fully nude. I gasped in horror and quickly closed my phone. At what point did I send out signals that I wanted to receive pornographic text messages from any admirers? The proper answer, my flock, is "never."

Even worse, I opened these messages in my workplace. Imagine the scandal that could have ensued had a colleague at the mosque glanced over my shoulder and seen a row of naked men on my cell phone. What kind of infidel would send such an image to a pug of the cloth?

I notified the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) and told them to be on high alert, and then I went back about my business leading the world's largest interfaith, interspecies ministry. Perhaps it was a wrong number, I thought. English, Arabic, Farsi and Pug Latin are my primary languages -- not Spanish. But on Friday evening, my phone chimed again. I looked at the screen and saw a message saying that there wasn't enough available space to download the attachment. The phone number was the same as before. Given this infidel's proclivity for sharing pornography and attempting to court members of the animal kingdom, I shudder to think what kind of video or other type of file this attachment might be. Needless to say, I did not open it.

Now Valentine's Day has arrived, and every time the phone rings, I fear I will answer to find a man on the other end saying, "Hola, mi perro amor." If such a thing happens, my flock, I will growl.