A fair offer

I have been in tense negotiations today with the American Postal Workers Union. At issue was a new study showing that dogs have been biting mail carriers less frequently. This reduction in violence coincides with my rising stature in the canine community, and it is clear that my teachings have had a positive influence. Although militant canine Islam has its place, it is imperative that we strive to reduce senseless violence. We must channel our energy in ways that would be pleasing to Allah. At the same time, the postal workers must live up to their end of the bargain. To that end, I have made this offer: I am prepared to wield my influence to reduce dog bites 40 percent over the next year. In exchange, I expect the union membership to agree to a 40 percent reduction in junk mail.