Dispatch from the front lines

I had hoped to update you sooner on the ongoing war to crush the chew-toy insurgency, but it has been a hectic week to say the least. Fortunately, Allah smiled upon me as I moved to retake the ayatollah compound. I was able to gain access by scratching on the back door. Once inside, I quickly re-established control of my blogging station, biscuit jar and rawhide-enrichment facilities. As expected, the infidel chew toys went scurrying at the first sight of my stern countenance. I recorded two confirmed kills, but the ringleader of this insurgency (it is NOT a civil war, regardless of what NBC News may report) escaped, taking my faithful friend Mallard with him as a hostage. God willing, I will hunt Blue Bull to the ends of the Earth. He will pay for his treachery.

WAR REPORT

I have compiled the following information from media coverage and ARF field reports:



CENTRAL TEXAS THEATER OF OPERATION
AUSTIN (ARF, Declassified) -- As insurgents fled southward on Interstate 35, Winston the Pug led a blockade to halt their progress. At approximately 0900 hours, Lt. Winston encountered strong resistance from a chew toy of the hedgehog variety. He responded with lethal force, removing the insurgent's squeaker to ensure that said insurgent would not spread its anti-God communist message ever again.


OKLAHOMA THEATER OF OPERATION
OKLAHOMA CITY (The Edmond Sun) -- Bella the Chihuahua, the former nun who last year led a reign of terror across the Mexican countryside, destroyed a fork-wielding elephant chew toy in front of a busload of stunned schoolchildren on Sunday. The vanquished pachyderm was reportedly a ringleader in the recent coup at Ayatollah Mugsy's Dallas-area compound. Rumors that Bella had undertaken the attack as part of the War on Chew-Toy Terror were quickly denied by those forced to be close to the tiny dog. "She attacks just about anything that attempts to look her in the eye," said one source, who said Bella did not even know that a war was raging. "Those kids are lucky she didn't see them first."


NORTHERN THEATER OF OPERATION
KANSAS CITY, Mo. (The Washington Post) -- Human rights groups on Sunday condemned a gruesome attack in the ongoing War on Chew-Toy Terror, accusing the Armed Revolutionary Forces of committing atrocities. An Amnesty International spokesman said the cotton-spilling attack by ARF soldiers Bam-Bam and Kona violated the Geneva Convention. The victim, an alleged participant in the recent chew-toy coup at Pug Life Ministries, has not yet been identified. Ayatollah Mugsy, the spiritual leader of the canine militia, played down any talk of wartime atrocities and noted that no canines were present at the Geneva Convention. He also praised the soldiers' "measured response."