Opportunity barks

Greetings, my faithful flock. I am hurting today. I believe I pulled a muscle in my back while changing my mother's tire early Saturday. Why she would call a pug to fix her flat tire, I do not know. But there is some good news that has kept my spirits up. My sources tell me that the alluring Shelby, that lovely German giantess, has moved into a palatial new home. I am quite happy for my behemoth beauty, and I look forward to visiting her at her new estate. But that is not all. My operatives also tell me that Shelby appears to be newly single. Her old flame, Gorilla, was spotted nursing a nasty wound, his face apparently bitten off by the enchanting Shelby in a fit of rage. And this ayatollah is ready to swoop in to comfort her in her time of need. Certainly, seeing Gorilla's mangled mug is reason for pause. Shelby does outweigh me by well over 100 pounds. But I don't believe that such violence will be an issue. Once she has realized all that my harem has to offer, she will come around. And besides, I am far more charming than Gorilla. Honestly, I don't know what she ever saw in him.