Hi, I'm Bob Vila. The supreme ayatollah asked me to meet with you today to discuss an important topic: decoy pugs. Mugsy uses these decoys for security reasons, but a well-made decoy pug can have all kinds of uses. You're limited only by your imagination. Now, let's get on with it, shall we?
Step 1: You'll want to start by gathering up fur. The baseboards can be a good place to find materials. Make sure you have a sturdy support to work on -- these decoys can get heavy.
Step 2: Now you've cleaned up all the fur collected on the baseboards and clinging to the table legs, but it's not quite enough. Don't despair, Pug Lifers; with the right tools, you'll be just fine. I recommend a good, sturdy brush. Now go to work on your real-life pug. Try going both with and against the grain. You'll be amazed at how quickly the fur adds up. Don't be afraid to brush too much; I've yet to make a pug go bald.
Step 3: Now we're getting somewhere. See the pug begin to take shape? From here, it's just a matter of smoothing out the rough edges. Try some 400-grit sandpaper, and a chisel if necessary. Before you know it, you've got a decoy pug of your very own.
For accessories like the ayatollah's turban, we use a proprietary prop with a Mr. Potatohead-like attachment feature. The details on these are classified, so you'll have to try fabricating your own. Good luck on your projects, everybody! For Ayatollah Mugsy, this is Bob Vila saying, "Allah be with you."
It was an eventful and exhausting weekend at the ayatollah compound. Bruce, my large-pawed Lab cousin, stayed with me while his parents were out of town. Bruce and I have many qualities in common, chief among them our love of treats. But we also have our differences. For example, my affinity for water extends only to that which is in my bowl. Bruce, on the other paw, seeks out liquid at any and all opportunities. On a walk Saturday morning, he splashed in every puddle he saw and showed an uncanny ability to drink while moving at full speed. His tongue skimmed the surface of each pool of rainwater. Then, on a later walk, Bruce actually leaped headlong into the neighborhood creek. Needless to say, I moved away from the water's edge as quickly as possible. Like the nervous ducks, I wanted nothing to do with young Bruce's splashing.
Once Bruce dried off, we got to work on some pressing security matters. My canine Muslim faith had prevented me from properly interrogating one of the ringleaders of this year's chew-toy insurrection. Bruce, however, had no such qualms about "questioning" Squeaky Pig. Thank Allah for extraordinary rendition.
I found a story recently that I thought would be of interest to the congregation. It shows that cats, like dogs, are capable of extraordinary feats -- feats that humans cannot even begin to comprehend. Either that, or this feline grim reaper should be taken in for questioning. Click here to read about Oscar the cat.
It is official: The Pug Life Telethon will be Aug. 3, 2007. That is one week from Friday. I hope you will join me for a daylong extravaganza featuring entertainment, celebrity guest stars and impassioned fundraising. I am in negotiations with Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones to hold the telethon in Texas Stadium, where it is said that the hole in the roof allows Allah to look down upon the playing field. I believe this will be a fitting venue for such a significant milestone in canine culture, and the stadium will accommodate a respectable crowd of 65,000 congregants. I know, I know. That will leave many of you on the outside looking in. But take comfort in the knowledge that should you be unable to procure one of the $350 tickets, you will be able to turn to this blog for updates.
Many members of the congregation have weighed in on my recent betrayal at the hands of a loved one. Some were quick to condemn mother for her poor infant fashion sense. Others came to her defense, pointing out her role in shaping the world's foremost authority on canine Islam. I have taken both arguments to heart. And despite mother's grievous transgressions, I have decided to keep her around. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I hear her pouring my morning meal.
There are times, my flock, when our loved ones disappoint us. When their actions are so far out of line that they serve as an affront to our personal moral beliefs. I experienced such disappointment over the weekend, my flock. And the one who betrayed my trust was none other than my mother. She was going to a baby shower. "Mugsy," she asked beforehand, "I know the ministry's coffers are low, but may I please buy a gift for the baby-to-be? I promise it will not interfere with the flow of rawhide to your eager mouth, Your Holiness." I briefly considered her request and then nodded my consent. Longtime readers of this blog know of my well-established compassion for the world's children. Though seldom as attractive as puppies, they are innocents and thus deserve a good start in life. I believe the children are our future -- our future dog servants. So not only did I grant mother permission to purchase a fitting gift for the baby, I also offered a suggestion that would ensure this human had a leg up right out of the starting gate. And what gift did mother purchase for this child? Not an Ayatollah Mugsy Youth Infant Creeper, as I had recommended. Not even a Pug Crumb Catcher Bib. It is tragic, really. This child could have entered this world at the height of fashion, commanding respect from his or her peers from Day One. Plus, the baby would have served as a crawling, drooling billboard for the ministry. What higher purpose could Allah bestow on a human child? Instead, it will wear some common outfit from Target. If ever mother was deserving of chastisement, now is the time. So let her have it, my flock.
In a little over 24 hours, a major literary event will take place. I pray that mother doesn't dig out the Muggy Potter glasses again.
