Mission accomplished

I have wonderful news to report, my friends. We have freed the hostages -- every last one of them. An elite four-dog ARF commando unit infiltrated the Eugene Animal Shelter before dawn today. The squad was led by Brody the Bulldog, supreme commander of the Armed Revolutionary Forces. Given his lofty title, Brody could have directed the operation from his airborne mobile command center. But because of the gravity of this situation and the deplorable conditions in which the detainees were being held, he opted to take a more paws-on approach. You have already seen some of the humiliating treatment to which the hostages were subjected, but we also had received reports of the use of a modified Kong from which no biscuit particles could be obtained. Because of this torture at the hands of the infidels, I decided that we would deal with the diplomatic ramifications later. These poor canines had to be rescued as soon as possible.

The ARF squad inserted into the theater of operations via the Willamette River, first using an inflatable raft and then dog-paddling the final 800 meters. Once ashore, the commandos stealthily made their way to the pound at the Doggonamo Bay facility. After burrowing under the razor-wire fence, this fearsome foursome slipped into the detention center unnoticed by the shadowy consortium of crooked Pac-10 referees and University of Oregon boosters who were holding our canine brothers captive. What happened inside the pound is classified information, but suffice it to say that the hostages are all now at home with their families. All are reported to be healthy and in good spirits. Before leaving, the commandos made sure to mark the territory for the canine nation. Never again will it be used for such evil purposes. Allahu akbar!

THE STRIKEFORCE

1. BRODY
Code name: Bro
Hometown: Los Angeles
Breed: Bulldog
Education: West Point
Specialties: Barking orders, biological weapons, blob-wrestling

2. WINSTON
Code name: Disco
Hometown: Austin
Breed: Pug
Education: U.S. Naval Academy
Specialties: Naval ops, disorienting foes with circular sprinting, medic

3. CLEVELAND
Code name: C Dizzle
Hometown: San Diego
Breed: Bulldog
Education: Harvard
Specialties: Covert ops, military policing, charm offensives

4. BRAXTON
Code name: Killer
Hometown: Los Angeles
Breed: Maltese
Education: Ayatollah Mugsy's Youth Indoctrination Camp
Specialties: Demolitions, paw-to-paw combat, heavy machine-gunner