These restrictions are all wet

I have just finished washing my car. It is a task that I would prefer to do at another time -- when my mother is home to help me -- but I am not allowed to. My city has imposed restrictions, allowing outside watering only once a week on residents' trash days. So rather than wash the car on Sunday with my mother's help, I had to go it alone. Do you know how difficult it is for a pug to reach the roof of a full-size automobile? Let me tell you, it took a while.

I am not a fan of these water restrictions. I recently had to spend an hour and a half watering around my home's foundation with a hose because the ground was so parched (this is allowed). But it would have been far easier to turn on my automatic sprinkler system. An ayatollah has better things to do than stand around with a hose all day. Doesn't the city understand that lives are at stake here?

Do not get me wrong; I support many environmental causes. I have not only hugged a tree; I have also slow-danced with one. (I then urinated on it, but that is another story.) But I find it hard to get behind the concept of water conservation. We are not talking about fossil fuels, which will someday run out. We are talking about a liquid that covers two-thirds of the Earth's surface. I pay my water bills every month, so I believe I should be able to use whatever water I choose to pay for, whenever I choose to use it. I would not wash my car more than once a week anyway. The commercial car washes in town aren't forced to close six days a week, so why should I be limited thusly?

This water shortage is not the fault of the water-consuming public. It is the fault of a city and water district that have not kept up with demand and that have failed to live up to their obligations. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! I hereby order whoever is responsible for such matters to dig a new lake, build a new water treatment plant, or do whatever else is necessary to provide me the water freedom I deserve. So it has been decreed, so it shall be done.

Well-wishes pour in

I have been receiving notes and phone calls all day to congratulate me on this blog's first anniverary. I thank all of you who have taken the time to send your well-wishes. Several of my closest lady friends and I have been celebrating at my home with a massive feast of rawhide. Just moments ago, Connie Chung stopped by to perform a song-and-dance routine for me. Here is a sampling of the messages I have received:


Your Excellency,
All praise to Pug Life Ministries, which together with you, its distinguished leader, has helped to save the lives of hundreds of millions of children and millions of mothers, which has relieved the suffering and saved the lives of many more millions of human beings. Know that the people of Cuba support you in your fight for independence from the running-dog capitalists of the U.S.A. (that is just an expression; no disrespect intended). I look forward to congratulating you on your second anniversary.
- Fidel Castro

Pyongyang, June 28 (KCNA) -- Pak Pong Ju, premier of the DPRK Cabinet, on Wednesday sent a congratulatory message to Ayatollah Mugsy, on the occasion of his blog's first anniversary. Expressing the belief that the traditional relations of friendship and cooperation between the two countries would continue to consolidate, the message heartily wished him good health and happiness as well as great success in his responsible work for development of Pugistan. Foreign Minister Paek Nam Sun also sent a congratulatory message to Brody the Bulldog on his development of the world's preeminent military power.
- Reprinted with permission from the Korean Central News Agency of DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea)

Congratulations, Mugsy! I knew you could do it. I miss you. Call me! xoxoxo
- Mariah Carey

Your Holiness,
I have read with great interest your teachings over the last year, and I hope you will be around for many more. And although I cannot say so publicly, I wish you luck in your Pugistan independence movement. The British people stand behind you.
- Tony Blair

Congrats! It's been a great year, my friend. I've led a charmed life, but it wasn't complete until I found your teachings. (Although I still want to see what goes on inside your harem!) Hope to see you at the grotto on July Fourth. Hef loves ya, baby!
- Hugh Hefner

Honored Imam,
The people of Sudan stand ready to assist you as you embark on your second year. May Allah watch over you as you impose Sharia law on the people and canines of Pugistan.
- Omar Hasan Ahmad al-Bashir, president of Sudan

Assalamu alaikum, beloved Ayatollah Mugsy. The Kingdom has sent a planeload of rawhide to honor you on this special occasion. Enjoy it, for you have earned this treat.
- Sultan bin Abdul Aziz al-Saud, Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia

Hola, amigo,
The Mexican people send their regards and their utmost respect. We are willing to forget the incident with El Terror Minisculo, and we hope the friendship between us will flourish.
- Vicente Fox, president of Mexico

Mr. Ayatollah,
Your stance on civil rights for canines has served as an inspiration. All across this nation, canines, subject to segregation, unable to cool off by perspiration, only panting. No vote, forced to wear tags across their throat. Barred from eateries, accused of having fleas, it just ain't right. No, it ain't right. But you, Mr. Ayatollah, give us hope. Hope for a bold solution. Hope for a revolution. Hope for a change, my friend. Happy anniversary.
- The Rev. Jesse Jackson

Mugsy,
Your teachings provide the high point of my every day. I hope you are able to attend my party in your honor.
- Hassanal Bolkiah, Sultan of Brunei

Happy anniversary! Your travel blog has served as an inspiration to me in my role as host of the best travel show on TV, the Travel Channel's Passport to Europe. Why does that boring Rick Steves guy get all the attention? What a snoozefest. Can you put a curse on him or something?
- Samantha Brown

Way to go, Ayatollah Mugsy. You've really taught that canine Islam in a great way. The team really looks up to you. Thanks for the pep talk during spring ball. Boomer Sooner!
- Bob Stoops

Mr. Mugsy,
I know we haven't always seen eye to eye, but I wanted to congratulate you on this great milestone. If you need any political advice, any at all, do not hesitate to contact me. W is a lame duck now, and I'm looking to hook up with a winner.
- Karl Rove

Mugsy,
Congratulations on your first anniversary! Say, I've heard rumblings that you may be starting your own book club. Is this true? I don't know if I could withstand the competition, but I wish you the best nonetheless. The invitation to appear on my show stands.
- Oprah Winfrey

Congrats, Mugsy!
I so should have picked you over K-Fed. Can I please, please, please move into your harem? I can totally leave my kid at home. :-)
Love,
Britney

May you have many more years, great ayatollah.
- Col. Muammar al-Gaddafi, leader of Libya

Mugsy, you are one bad mother[expletive deleted].
- Richard Roundtree, actor

ANNIVERSARY: A year of Pug Life

One year of The Ayatollah’s Teachings. Can you believe it? A year ago, I took my fledgling ministry online in hopes of reaching -- and helping -- a wider audience. And now, after more than 230 nuggets of puggish wisdom have been disseminated via the Internet, it is time to celebrate our first anniversary.

In my first post, I promised happiness to those who visited this blog regularly. I vowed to provide insightful answers to your questions. And I offered to enlighten your minds while lightening your wallets. Judging from my empty puggy bank, it is clear that the best I can hope for is two out of three. But I pray that you have found my unique canine Muslim perspective on theology, culture, world events and rawhide to be informative and enlightening. If so, perhaps I will see you here again next year -- your wallet a little slimmer -- as we celebrate this blog’s second anniversary.

Allahu Akbar!

To commemorate this special occasion, I have created a new rail section: Historically Significant Posts. It features some of my most influential early teachings, and I will be adding to the list from time to time. Requests are welcome.

Let's kick it

Brody the Bulldog, ARF military mastermind and athlete extraordinaire, is organizing a soccer team to represent Pugistan in the 2010 World Cup. Stop by his blog and leave a comment if you're interested in competing. God willing, this congregation's superior athletes will help Brody bring home the championship.

I'm getting a headache

So help me Allah, if I see this commercial one more time, I am going to chew through the television's power cord.

Ugly, thy name is Archie

Congratulations are in order for devoted Pug Life Ministries follower Archie, who has been crowned the world's ugliest dog. The Chinese crested, a native of Phoenix, Ariz., topped 16 worthy opponents and one pug to claim the title. Let us all congratulate Archie and remind him to tithe 10 percent of his $1,000 prize to the ministry. And remember: Ugly is only skin deep.

Click here for a video of Archie's shining moment.

Dog tired

As you may have heard, Rabbi Jake and I were able to persuade the rival Palestinian factions Hamas and Fatah to agree to recognize Israel. Of course, the big question now is, "Will this be enough? Will this baby step toward Mideast peace help Mugsy win the Nobel Prize?" This remains to be seen. Pray for Rabbi Jake and me; after pouring our heart and soul into these marathon talks, we were exhausted.