Mugsy stepping down as ayatollah

Friends, I come to you today to announce a momentous career change. I am hereby stepping down as supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries to focus full-time on my pursuit of a professional bowling career. This has been a dream of mine for several weeks, so I hope you will all understand why I have made this difficult decision. It is true that I have a long way to go to realize my dream of competing in -- and winning -- Professional Bowlers Association-sanctioned events. In truth, I have yet to finish a game without those inflatable bumpers blocking the gutters. For a 27-pound pug to roll a 12-pound ball down the lane with any accuracy is no easy task. But I am dedicated, and I have faith. I have overcome much in my life -- being given up by my mother, a puppyhood in the hardscrabble Dallas ghetto, a criminal past, a crippling panty addiction. Each time one of these problems popped up, I knocked it down -- just as I intend to knock down those 10 pins, frame after frame after frame.

For those of you who have grown accustomed to visiting this site to find answers to your problems and fatwas to guide you in your day-to-day life, this may seem like bad news. I apologize for leaving you in a spiritual lurch. Henceforth, this blog will chronicle my attempt to break into the professional bowling circuit. It will include scores, interesting bowling links and perhaps an occasional bowling tip. But for spiritual guidance, you will have to look elsewhere. I hope you will support me as I embark on this exciting new chapter in my life.

Deadline approaches

Pug Lifers, I come to you today with an important reminder: The deadline to enroll your children in the Ayatollah Mugsy Scouts is fast approaching. Just think how darling your daughters will look in their little blue turbans and fake curly tails, their glee building with each Mugsy Merit Badge they obtain. The final day to sign up for the inaugural class of Scouts is April 1. This organization will be structured as a cookie-selling pyramid scheme, so your child will no doubt want to get in on the ground floor.

Several openings remain, so we have waived the requirement that the children be adorable. Ugly children are now eligible for the program, provided they have excellent manners.

Abu Ghraib's shining star

An Army dog handler was sentenced Wednesday to six months behind bars for his role in the Abu Ghraib prison scandal in Iraq. Prosecutors say Sgt. Michael J. Smith used his snarling Belgian shepherd to frighten prisoners. While the liberal media elites and the vast right-wing conspiracy have made much ado about Sgt. Smith's case, little mention has been made of the canine at the center of this scandal. I have just returned from the court-martial of this brave canine, where he was declared innocent on all charges. As his defense attorney, I argued that Killer the Belgian shepherd was just following orders. And with the evidence and Allah on our side, Killer was vindicated. He will now receive an honorable discharge and plans to join the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF).

While Killer's military training will undoubtedly benefit the ARF, he will not be called upon to guard or intimidate any more prisoners. Why? BECAUSE THE ARF TAKES NO PRISONERS! (If we did, you see, we'd have to share our food with them.)

It was asking for it

I just gave my mother's shoe a thorough and well-deserved thrashing. Do you think she would accept 'roid rage as an excuse?

Vet visit

I visited the prestigious Pepper Square Pet Clinic on Monday, where the veterinarian gave me a thorough looking-over. At issue was a reddish spot that has popped up at the side of my face, below my lower lip. The vet suspects that it is a certain type of benign tumor that is common in canines like me who like to go rooting around in the grass. Experts aren't sure what causes it, but they think it might be the result of a bug bite. I was told that it may go away after a few weeks, or it may need to be surgically removed. Naturally, I am hoping for the former. But the important thing for you to remember is that this in no way diminishes my ability to lead this congregation. I am still the same brilliant, energetic pug I have always been. In fact, we must look on the bright side. I am now taking steroids as part of my treatment, and I'm preparing an assault on the baseball record books. Look out, Barry Bonds. I might even make a cameo appearance with Team Pugforce.

Those who serve

It is easy to take our liberties for granted, but we must always remember the brave canines who fight so that we can be free. Brody the Bulldog has posted on his blog a harrowing tale of his exploits as supreme commander of the Armed Revolutionary Forces. I urge you to read this historic account and to support our troops in every way possible. And by every way possible, I of course mean that you should have a yellow-ribbon magnet on the back of your SUV.

Mugsy issues fatwa

Last night, I attended an excellent concert in Grand Prairie. It was a double bill of two of my favorite Islamic rock bands, the Strokes and the Eagles of Death Metal. The Strokes were outstanding, and the Eagles, while not exactly virtuosos (their moonlighting drummer’s guitar playing notwithstanding), were every bit as much fun live as I expected. In their finale, the gospel song "Speak in Tongues," they played musical chairs with three drummers and drum sets. (They used two drummers for most of the set but apparently needed a little extra oomph for the closer.)

As enjoyable as this musical celebration of Islam was, it reminded me of one of my pet peeves (no pun intended). It seems that every time I go to a show, I am surrounded by humans who are more interested in taking blurry photos with their cellphones than in enjoying the music.

This unholy behavior must be stopped, so I feel it is my duty to issue a fatwa! When you go to a concert, you are to watch the show, enjoy the music and put your cellphone camera away. Dancing is optional. I am willing to allow one photo as a memento of the event. But to spend the whole evening holding up your cellphone and trying to take a masterpiece picture is simply going too far. I see the fruits of your annoying efforts on your tiny screens; they’re no better than what you’ll find in the newspaper the next morning. Think about it for a moment: You have one of the biggest Islamic rock bands in the world performing just a few dozen feet away from you, and you’re watching it through a 1-square-inch video screen on your phone. What an utter waste of time, not to mention an annoyance for any pug who may happen to be standing behind you with your phone glowing in his face. Those infidels who dare to violate this fatwa face loss of cellphone privileges.