Bella the bandito

Oh, Sister Bella. Where did you go astray? I cannot bear to write about this. I will instead share this story with you:


CHIHUAHUA, Mexico (Reuters) -- Mexican law enforcement officials convened a special meeting Tuesday aimed at stopping the criminal spree of El Terror Minúsculo.

The Chihuahua, whose Spanish name means "the tiny terror," has led a team of thugs on a two-week rampage through the Mexican countryside. She was last spotted about five miles south of Chihuahua, where she torched a barn Monday and then yapped incessantly for three hours straight.

Federal agents have scoured the region in search of El Terror Minúsculo, but residents have been reluctant to offer any information out of fear that the bandito and her gang would retaliate.

Villagers in Villa Matamoras say that the Chihuahua recently kept them up all night with her horrific yapping.

"It was terrifying," said one woman, who asked to remain anonymous. Her ankles were ringed with bite marks. "It was never-ending. I prayed that God would strike me down, to ease the pain in my ears."

One official with the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that El Terror Minúsculo is aligned with a major drug cartel.

"She's ruthless," the official said. "Those teeth are tiny, but they're sharp as a tack."

U.S. officials believe El Terror Minúsculo was formerly a nun with the Order of the Sacred Chihuahua, a division of Pug Life Ministries. Representatives of Pug Life declined to comment, but they confirmed that Sister Bella, the prime suspect in the Mexican marauding, had been excommunicated and forced to leave her convent on Jan. 6.

State of the Union

Fellow citizens, I come to you today to deliver the first State of the Union address of my long and illustrious reign. The last year has been a good one for Pug Life Ministries. Our membership rolls have expanded greatly. We have established a feared fighting force, and I have full confidence in Brody the Bulldog to manage our conscription and training efforts and continue to sharpen the scimitar of canine military might.

We have flexed our economic muscle, launching two successful boycotts. In the quarter that we boycotted the corporate charlatan Comcast, the company lost over 40,000 subscribers. Our boycott against Austria has not yet had quite the same tangible effect on that anti-dog regime's tourism industry. But I believe this is because Vienna was not at the top of most canines' vacation wish lists anyway.

We have made great scientific strides, identifying a colorful salamander and developing the technology to cryogenically freeze our enemies.

We have moved swiftly toward our goal of establishing a theocratic pug homeland. For the first time in recorded history, canines are taking part in the democratic process. Dozens of dogs have cast their ballots to decide on a name for this new nation.

We have repelled numerous attacks, and each time, this ministry has emerged stronger. Criminal charges have been dropped. The International Atomic Energy Agency has turned its attention elsewhere. The IRS has stopped hounding us, for now. Our clandestine surveillance program deserves much of the credit for this improved security. The critics may cry foul, but let me assure you: It is legal. Obviously, as your leader, I would not engage in this domestic spying if it were not legal.

2005 was a banner year for me on a personal level as well. Thanks to the growing visibility of this ministry, my harem has never been larger. Thank you, Allah. Thank you. And my Batpug jersey has been retired, and it is now framed along with a commemorative Pug-O-Ween plaque.

Though new challenges will undoubtedly arise, the state of the Pug Life union is strong. Let us face these challenges head-on and work to make Pug Life even stronger in 2006. God bless Pug Life; God bless us all.

Weekend in Oklahoma

Greetings, friends. I am in Oklahoma, where I last night spotted a fox roaming the streets of downtown Norman. I attempted to take advantage of this rare opportunity to minister to a new species, but he ran away. After I return to Texas and have more time to write, I will share with you a most scandalous tale about Sister Bella. Or should I say, the former Sister Bella.

No hanging chads, please

I think we can all agree that an autonomous pug homeland will soon rise in the American Southwest, with yours truly as its unquestioned ruler. So it is time to begin preparing in earnest. It is time to name this future global superpower. In the past, I have generally chosen to rule with an iron paw. But after seeing how democracy has transformed Iraq into an oasis of peace and prosperity, I have decided to put this momentous decision in your capable paws and hands. Yes, Pug Life has gone democratic. So I urge you to vote early and often on the name of this great nation. You can find the polling place sandwiched between my handsome mug to the right and those fabulous yet tragically underclicked ads.

The poll is configured to allow you to vote once a day. If you would like to campaign for your favorite choice or engage in voter intimidation, you are welcome to leave comments below.

Mugsy weighs in on Oprah book flap

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Mugsy condemns high energy bills

Having just extended my 100 percent success rate in extracting Milkbones from my Kong ball, I come to you this morning with a grave concern. You see, my heating bill this month was through the roof. A typical bill in the ayatollah household this time of year is around $70. This month, it is over $200. I am certain that you are as outraged as I am. Although I do not actually pay the bills, I am still concerned. That extra money has to come from somewhere; what if my parents have to dip into the rawhide fund? That would be most unacceptable. So I must swiftly and forthrightly condemn Atmos Energy for this outrageous gas bill.

It would be one thing if I had recently taken in a family of gypsies or started bathing more than two times a month. But that is not the case. Instead, we have had an exceedingly warm winter. And thanks to my vibrant fur coat, I am able to keep the thermostat set low even when the weather cools. There is simply no reason for this exorbitant bill. As you know, I am not one to throw around inflammatory language lightly. But this smacks of price-gouging, and that is an ugly phenomenon, indeed. The only instance I can think of that would justify this outrageous energy bill is a sharp increase in the share price of Devon Energy (DVN). In that case, the capitalist pug in me would readily pronounce that this is simply a result of market forces at work.

Must-see TV

The local PBS station is airing "A Pug's Life: The Dogumentary" this weekend. It apparently is not running nationwide, so check your local listings. Although the filmmakers foolishly did not interview me for the movie, I still plan to watch it. Here is the information for Dallas-Fort Worth, from the local station's Web site:

Sunday, Jan. 29, 8 p.m.
Channel 13 (KERA)

A look at precocious pugs and their owners includes the canine star of the film “Men In Black”; therapy pugs working with special-needs children; a posh doggy-day-care center; and the “Halloween Howl,” where pugs don whimsical costumes.