Half-baked miracle

I have just gotten off the phone with my good friend and business associate Pope Pius Pug, who asked me to use my Texas connections to help him look into a potential miracle. It seems that a woman in Houston claims to have found a sacred spud.

After a preliminary investigation, I told the pontiff that I had quite frankly seen far more impressive starchy miracles in my day. But you know how the pope is -- once he has his mind set on something, he will not be deterred. So I told him I would keep my eyes peeled for further evidence.

Mugsy appeals for decency

I was very disturbed by this news story. A Dallas pug named Scooter has been dognapped and given to a little girl as a gift by her mother, who sent Scooter's caretakers a note and $20. The woman, possibly from Tulsa, Okla., wrote that she was nearly penniless and an alcoholic but that the dog was being well taken care of. Clearly, this is beside the point. Scooter belongs with his family in Dallas. So on the off chance that this woman or someone who might know her is reading, I want to appeal for decency. The rightful caretakers have even offered to buy the woman's daughter a new pug if they can just have their own dog back. Here is a letter from one of the pug's caretakers.

Please, send Scooter home.

Along for the ride

I have seen and done many things in my years on this blessed orb. I toured cities large and small as a gangsta rapper, collecting undergarments of all shapes and sizes. I sailed to ports both glorious and grimy with the merchant marines. I worked at a vineyard in Tuscany, stomping grapes until my legs were stained a pleasing shade of lavender. And then, after my jailhouse religious awakening, I took my hajj pilgrimage, where I joined a sea of other white-clad canines in the sacred Stoning of the Devil ritual. For good measure, and to show him who's boss, I left Satan with an eyeful of urine.

Yes, my flock, I have been fortunate to behold many wondrous sights. But until recently, I had never known the singular sensation of having a toad, filled with religious fervor, launch itself onto my head.

It is always nice to know that my teachings have made an impact.

The robotic menace

Part II of a two-part suspense-filled epic

The roaring infidel was almost upon me. "This robot sucks," I thought, noting the vacuum effect pulling at my fur. As the Roomba's spinning brushes slammed into my legs, I sprang upward and pounced, crashing down on the power button just before the machine could eat Wendell's curly tail. The Roomba fell silent, defeated like all the other infidels who had dared to cross the ayatollah. Triumphant, I strode to the kitchen to retrieve my ceremonial banana hook.

As I rummaged through the cabinets, the humans approached their fallen machine. Mother lifted it and began to disassemble it. "Yes!" I exclaimed, "tear it limb from evil robotic limb!" Then she turned its rear compartment over, and out spilled enough fur for three pug decoys. My already-wide eyes widened, and Allah placed a metaphorical light bulb above my silky-smooth head.



A vision of the ancient terracotta army of the first Qin emperor popped into my head. Yes, it all made sense now. This robot, despite its outwardly menacing appearance, was simply part of God's plan. With this automated fur-gathering device, I now had the means to build a grand hall of pug decoys exceeding any creation of man. "Allahu akbar!" I exclaimed, before moving to make amends with the Roomba for my hasty attack.


"Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto."

A disturbing development

I watched with unease as the humans pried open the cardboard box and set their new robot on the floor. Was this mechanical interloper here to replace me -- like that creepy animatronic boy Haley Joel Osment? Wendell and I exchanged uncertain glances as mother read from the machine's manual. Finally, she reached down and pushed a button. The robot roared to life and began roaming the room, seemingly at random. The great whooshing sound set my hackles on edge. I barked, and Wendell echoed my sentiments, setting off a cascade of canine condemnation. But the humans were unswayed. As I studied their faces, they appeared to be marveling at their new contraption. Then the roar grew. I turned to find the robot bearing down on young Wendell. I dove, shoving my brother aside just before the robot could suction him up. We hastily retired to another room to discuss what was transpiring in our once-secure compound.

It was clear that this robot was mimicking the actions of the full-size Pug Annoyer that the humans occasionally pushed around the house to torment us. But whereas the old Pug Annoyer required our parents to exert some physical energy, thus greatly limiting its use, this new robot needed but the push of a button. An automated Pug Annoyer -- could anything be more devious? I turned toward Mecca and kneeled in prayer, asking God for an answer. But my solemn moment was shattered by the shrieking robo-monster. It had traversed a hallway, the kitchen and the dining room to track me down. And it was closing fast.

To be continued ...

A challenge

I have a challenge for you, my flock. First, lift your right back paw (or foot) and make clockwise circles with it. Then, raise your right front paw (or hand) and draw the number "6" in the air. Are you able to do both at the same time, maintaining the clockwise motion with your back paw (or foot)? If so, you may have the coordination, focus and spiritual wherewithal to apply for the position of Dalai Lama in Pug Life Ministries' Tibetan Buddhist wing. We offer a competitive salary, a
401(k) plan and a modest wardrobe allowance.

Season's greetings