Out and about

Though there was a chill in the air, I decided yesterday to visit the local dog park. It had been awhile since I last proselytized there, so the timing seemed right. Unfortunately, the park was nearly deserted. I sniffed a 7-month-old pug pup a bit and tried to spread my message of peace and rawhide to a timid little white dog. But after the pug puppy left, there was no one left to preach to. Only one dog remained, and he was busy dashing up and down the fenceline mirroring some of the canines in the big-dog park. After a long workweek at the mosque, I simply didn't have the energy to keep up.

So we departed the park and visited a nearby store called Woof. It is owned and operated by a pug named Wilbur, and he even has his own business card and Web site. Unfortunately, Wilbur was out of the office. Perhaps, God willing, my social life will improve today.

A champion is crowned

The brackets have been checked and re-checked, and it is now time to announce the winner of the inaugural Pug Life Ministries NCAA Tournament Bracket Challenge. And the winner is ... me! Here are the top 10 finishers:

1. Ayatollah Mugsy
2. Braxton
3. Buster
4. Winston Pugsworth
5. Pugaleeto
6. Winston Pugg
7. Magsters
8. Pugsley Ann & Milo
9. Mr. Pugsley
10. Peanut

To finish first in such a knowledgeable and spiritually aware field is an accomplishment I will treasure always. I would, of course, like to thank God first and foremost. As anyone who has watched a victory speech knows, He always takes sides in competitions, be they sporting events, elections or beauty pageants. That He chose me as His teammate over all the other competitors is a great honor, though not particularly surprising.

Since I won, the grand prize will go to Braxton, who finished a close second after correctly picking all of the Final Four teams. Well done, my furry protege. And well done to the rest of you as well. Thanks to all who participated.

Protest canceled

My mother informs me that the city was very polite and promptly removed the water-violation sign, so I have called off our march on City Hall. But please hang onto the money collected for bail; I still have that subpoena before Congress to contend with.

Mugsy victimized by unjust regime

It was a rude awakening, to say the least. As visions of Italian Milkbone Biscottis danced in my velvety, slumbering head, my mother threw open the door to the bedroom. "They cut off our water!" she exclaimed, the indignation heavy in her voice. "What?" I replied, yawning widely. "The city put a sign out in our yard and turned off our sprinkler water!" she said.

How could this be? I am a law-abiding pug. The city last spring enacted watering restrictions -- only once a week on trash day -- and I follow them to the letter. I would never dream of breaking the rules and over-watering. As anyone who has seen my back yard would attest, I have weeds that grow 15 inches high between their weekly mow. They certainly do not need any additional water.

And yet planted in my yard is a red sign detailing my alleged infraction at 6:42 this morning. This scarlet letter is meant to serve as a badge of shame -- it insists that it remain there for all the neighborhood to see, only to be removed by city personnel. It also bears the address of a house down the street.

Perplexed by this turn of events, I went to the garage to check the controls for my in-ground sprinklers, which once doubled as a fine security system to deal with snooping nuclear inspectors. I opened the panel and scrolled through the various days of the week. For each day, the system was set to "on." The result of a power surge, perhaps? I seem to recall the system resetting itself in this manner after the power went out a year or so ago. So I can only assume that my sprinklers were, indeed, on this morning. But as Allah well knows, it was certainly not my fault. Shouldn't the city place a phone call or issue a warning of some kind before it shuts off one's water? Is this any way to treat a law-abiding, tax-paying pug? Am I not a pillar of the community?!?!

This is simply not right. And so I am organizing a protest march. We will take our righteous rage over this injustice straight to City Hall. I will recruit the most raucous, unruly canines I can find. Chihuahuas, even. God willing, we will make the Code Enforcement Department wish it had never dared to defile my yard with its silly sign and its extortionistic fine. We will shout loud slogans, clash with police and make a spectacle the likes of which this sleepy suburb has never seen. And then, when the police haul out their firehoses to disperse the crowd, the hypocrisy of the city's corrupt regime shall be revealed for all to see.

And then a hero comes along

It is not often that I hand out the ministry's prestigious Medal of Valor. It is reserved for those who display uncommon heroism or selflessness (or those who donate large sums of money or rawhide to the ministry). And so it is a fitting award for young Toby the Golden Retriever. The Maryland 2-year-old spotted his human caretaker choking on a piece of apple that had lodged in her throat. Debbie Parkhurst, 45, attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver on herself to no avail. After she began beating on her chest, Toby took notice and took the matter into his own paws. "The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders," she recalled. "He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest." Toby's Heimlich maneuver left a paw-shaped bruise on Parkhurst's chest, but it did the trick.

Toby, on behalf of the ministry and a grateful nation, I present to you the Medal of Valor. In addition, you will receive a one-year scholarship to the ministry's obedience school/madrassa in Yemen. Well done, Toby. May Allah ensure that your coat retains its luxuriant shine for many years to come.

A worthy cause

My flock, this man needs our help. Garth Flaherty is being held by police in Washington state on charges of stealing 93 pounds of women's undergarments from apartment laundry rooms. Police say that is as much as 1,500 items, making it the biggest alleged panty heist in years. Naturally, I feel a certain empathy for Flaherty. Police say the 24-year-old told them that he "had a problem." The only problem I see is a society that would jail a man for such a minor offense. Who among us has not thought about absconding with 93 pounds of women's underwear? Back in my gangsta-rapper days, that was but a few hours of chewing entertainment.

And so I intend to take young Garth under my wing. The ministry is accepting donations for his legal defense fund, and your help is urgently needed. If necessary, we will take this case all the way to the Supreme Court. Garth, if you are reading this, please contact me at once. God willing, we will beat this unfair rap.

Mugsy subpoenaed

Fear not, my flock. Your secrets are safe with me ...

WASHINGTON (AP) -- Following the House's lead, a Senate panel on Friday authorized a subpoena for a shadowy canine cleric in the ongoing investigation of the firing of eight U.S. attorneys.

"This pug knows something," said Sen. Patrick Leahy, referring to Ayatollah Mugsy. The Texas-based imam is the leader of Pug Life Ministries, and many Washington insiders believe he was instrumental in the firings.

"Every single one of the fired prosecutors was involved in building a case against the ayatollah," said Leahy, a Vermont Democrat.

One member of the Senate Judiciary Committee, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Pug Life Ministries was being investigated on charges of tax evasion, sedition and making terrieristic threats. The tax evasion charges apparently stemmed from the for-profit ministry's assertions that it was a religious institution, and later from its assertion that it was based in the sovereign nation of "Pugistan" and was therefore not subject to U.S. tax law.

"All of the charges were dropped after the U.S. attorney firings," the source said.

An official with Pug Life Ministries said that any talk of Ayatollah Mugsy's involvement in the firings was "preposterous."

"He is but a humble imam," said the source, on condition of anonymity. "And Mugsy would never make terrieristic threats -- that's what his underlings are for."