Pint-sized powder keg

Some of you may have heard about a little "incident" that occurred last night. Rather than let the innuendo swirl, I would like to set the record straight. Yes, Bella the Chihuahua escaped from her holding cell briefly. And yes, there was a rather grisly attack. She savagely assaulted a neighbor, who required a medium-sized Band-aid on his ankle. Thank Allah, he is a supporter of Pug Life Ministries and agreed not to press charges.

It has become apparent that Bella cannot be rehabilitated through conventional means. But something must be done. This cannot continue. Her violent acts besmirch the reputation of all canines -- except in the instances in which she is mistaken for a rodent. In any case, I am formulating a plan. God willing, I will purge these violent tendencies from Bella -- or die trying.

My genius prevails

My mother tried to stump me tonight with a scavenger hunt. She hid dog biscuits around the living room for me to find. She thought she was being really sneaky, too. She must have been rather disappointed when I made quick work of her little mental exercise. Come on, mother. I memorized the Quran in a single sitting. I can certainly sniff out a few biscuits. But don't let that dissuade you from trying again.

Not so neighborly

I went for a walk last night, as I often do after the sun's tyranny has faded for the day. At the end of the block, I encountered a familiar bark. It was a rival cleric. And this was no friendly bark. No, this was a verbal assault. He pounded frantically on his wooden fence. "Go away!" he barked. "Go away!" I snorted back, trying to calm him down, and sniffed at the fence. Again, his vicious bark rang out. "Begone, heretic pug! You and your followers are not welcome here!" Though I am known for my easygoing ways, I do not take kindly to being called a heretic. So I quickly hatched a plan. Just then, I felt the light tug of the leash on my collar. "Wait," I implored my parents. "I have a present for this infidel." Smiling mischievously, I slowly circled and sidled right up to the fence. "This will teach him," I thought.

Unfortunately, my mother foiled my plot with her plastic grocery bag.

Activist ayatollah

To be an effective ayatollah, one must know when to take a stand. On Saturday, I protested an injustice.

Not to be left out ...

Let it be noted that I have seen Suri Cruise. She is the single most beautiful child to ever crawl this Earth. Allah must have spent weeks sculpting her stunning features and perfectly shaped head. At only 3 months old, she possesses the most enchanting, alluring eyes known to man or pug. Wherever she goes, the storm clouds part, and an aura of pure white glows above her silky hair. She needs no diaper, for she was born fully potty-trained. And she never cries; instead, she sings. Her angelic voice is like no other, and it is always accompanied by an unseen harp. Yes, friends, I have seen little Suri, with a fringe on top.

Bad news, good news

That unmistakable sound is back. Only three weeks after our last national tragedy, my refrigerator is dying -- again. It starts with a click, then a grating hum, worse than claws on a chalkboard. And now the packages in the freezer are beginning to go soft. I pray that the warranty on the previous $215 repair will cover the costs.

In happier news, I have rediscovered my tennis ball. How did I go so long without you, Wilson?

Unwelcome visitor

I have recently noticed a cat snooping around my house. I often spot him walking along the perimeter of the yard, trying to get a look inside the ayatollah compound. When I approach this feline interloper, he runs away, sometimes vanishing into the series of catacombs that run beneath the street. Naturally, I am not going to risk my safety and sully my turban to pursue him in his subterranean lair. Is he a foreign agent? A saboteur? An overzealous telemarketer? I do not yet know. But he is clearly up to no good. At my direction, the Pug Life staff has created this sketch. Memorize his features, and be on the lookout. The security of the ministry depends on your eternal vigilance.