Big love to give

I was watching the HBO show Big Love a few hours ago, and I was struck by just how little our great nation has accomplished in terms of civil rights. Here is this poor, fictional Mormon man, married with children. Then married twice more with children. And because of our legal system, he is forced to hide his polygamist ways. How sad it is that he is not allowed to legally marry all three of his soulmates. In a nation that supposedly believes in religious freedom, this strikes me as awfully intolerant. Many Mormons believe in the sanctity of plural marriage, as do many of my fellow Muslims. It is generally accepted that the Quran allows a male to have up to four wives, provided he is able to care for all of them adequately. And frankly, I believe there is a bit of wiggle room on that four-wife limit, especially for an esteemed pug such as myself.

Now, I am not saying that I am ready to settle down and take a wife or four. I am still a young pug, and my ministry, harem and chew toys keep me fully occupied. But it would truly be a shame if only one lovely lady were someday able to join me in holy matrimony. Would it not be cruel to force the second-, third- and fourth-place finishers to settle for a lesser man when they could marry a real-life ayatollah? And this is to say nothing of their families. Imagine the pride that a father would feel having me as a pug-in-law. He could feel secure, knowing that I would use his substantial dowry to provide for all of his daughter's needs. Call me a romantic, but I believe it's time to change these unfair laws.

Super news

I have an exciting announcement today, my friends. Although the auditions for Team Pugforce continue under the watchful eye of Ryan Seacrest, I have booked a very special group to make guest appearances in several cities. The Pug League of America will thrill you with their feats of strength, and they will amaze you with their knowledge of the hadiths. Among the performers are the Incredible Hulking Pug, who can lift a minivan as if it were a marshmallow. Superpug, who is so powerful that only a fictional element from another planet can stop him. Wonderpug, whose lasso of truth will show unbelievers the way. And, of course, Robin Pug, who can take any phrase and make it holy (Holy Bill of Rights, Batpug!). Tickets will surely go fast, so don't miss out.

Speak softly, and carry a big stick

A word of advice to my fellow ayatollahs in Iran: Your weapons are not "top secret" if you continually make announcements about them. Notice that you never hear me boast about the shock-and-awe-inspiring ARF arsenal.

You're hired

CBS News needed someone with the gravitas, the credibility, the journalistic integrity to fill the anchor seat once occupied by Edward R. Murrow and Walter Cronkite and kept warm by Dan Rather. Instead, it hired Katie Couric.

Successful surgery

I had surgery today at the prestigious Pepper Square Pet Clinic to remove the red spot below my lip. The veterinarian said the procedure went well, and -- thank Allah -- I do not have to wear a cone around my neck. I am going to have to give my parents a stern talking-to for scheduling this operation on my fifth birthday. Some present that was ... to be knocked unconscious and carved up like a Thanksgiving turkey. But I digress. My parents tell me I now appear to be drunk. Obviously, with me being a good Muslim pug, this is not the case. I am simply groggy from the anesthesia. So I think I will go take another nap now. But, dear parents, don't think I've forgotten about my birthday. I will expect presents first thing tomorrow.

April Fool's!

I have a confession to make, my befuddled flock. My Bowling Pug persona was merely an April Fool's joke. I believe that to be effective, a ministry must make at least an occasional attempt at humor. So why did I begin this ruse on March 30? A few reasons:

1. Some of our less devout Pug Lifers aren't daily readers, so I wanted to make sure I fooled a good number of congregants.
2. Our weekday readership is generally higher than our weekend readership (a sure sign of the productivity of the American workforce).
3. It just seemed sneakier that way.

So hopefully I fooled a few of you (I know of at least one fellow educator who found me out). In addition to providing holiday merriment, this exercise was intended to ferret out some of the enemies of Pug Life. The ultra-secret Kanine Gathering Bureau rounded up a half dozen humans who expressed elation at my apparent career change, and they have been sent to the appropriate re-education camps.

I thank those of you who supported me in my fictional bowling endeavor or offered Randy Quaid-related cautionary tales, and I commend the Armed Revolutionary Forces for maintaining order. Supreme Commander Brody is especially deserving of thanks. Not only did he think to declare martial law and a 6 p.m. curfew, but he also found the time for a little mountainside sculpting. Well done, Bro.

Recent bowling scores

I bowled three games last night. I started strong with a 68 and a 77, but then I regressed in the third game with a 60. I've got to find a venue without that infernal disco bowling. It's much too distracting for a serious athlete like myself.