On guard

Because of the ongoing Austrian crisis, the collective hackles of Pug Life Ministries have been raised to DEFCON 3.

Forget the patch ...

Want to quit smoking? Get a dog. A company in England has employed a canine to help its staff kick the habit. Workers at Relay Recruitment in Bradford have been told to take the heroic cocker spaniel Rupert for a walk instead of having a cigarette break. So while smokers in the office are still less productive, at least they're getting some exercise instead of a lung full of tar. Says company boss Steven Street: "He's an important team member. He also helps lower stress levels, and I can't imagine work without him." Yet another tale of dogs improving the workplace and saving lives. Isn't it time to give canines full voting rights?

While the civilized world is harnessing canine power to combat smoking, the repressive anti-dog regime in Austria is stooping to new lows. Wolfgang Treitler has been feeding his 22-year-old dachshund 10 cigarettes a day for the last 17 years. When I was a puppy growing up in the Dallas ghetto, I used to pick up cigarette butts around my tenement building. And although it was a hilarious sight, my parents had the sense to take them away from me. Poor General Edi, the dachshund, has lived 22 years in spite of his tobacco intake, not because of it. We must consider the possibility that our boycott may not be enough to topple the vile Austrian government. We must leave all options -- including ARF intervention -- on the table. The fate of the canine world depends on our strength.

Public service message

Fellow bloggers, if you have not done so already, I recommend saving a backup copy of your template. My HTML ran amok recently, with a large portion of it simply vanishing. Fortunately I had saved a copy several months ago, so I did not have to start completely from scratch. But it is still a pain to restore all the links. Because the world is full of puppies and children who need to dream, I made it a priority to first restore the links to my autobiography. I believe I now have all chapters up and running again. And regardless of what you may hear on Oprah, every word of my memoirs is true.

Operation Deep Cover

The international uproar over Bella's liberation from Mexican authorities shows no sign of abating. So rather than continuing to feign ignorance of this operation, I believe it is time for Pug Life Ministries to embrace its role. Yes, it was the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF) that liberated Bella. And thanks to their fighting prowess and professionalism, we were able to keep collateral damage to a minimum. I will make no apologies for our incursion onto Mexican soil. Bella is a longtime member of Pug Life, and it is our sacred duty to oversee her rehabilitation. Although the Mexican government continues to protest, this mission was a noble action. We should celebrate its success and our ARF troops' continued excellence under Supreme Commander Brody.

But this operation would not have been possible without the contributions of one Pug Lifer in particular. Given the proper intelligence, ARF is capable of succeeding in any mission. But finding a tiny Chihuahua in the vast Mexican countryside, well, that's no small feat. That is why I would like to present the Medal of Valor to Momo the Pug. Momo single-pawedly tracked down Bella. She went undercover, blending in with the Mexican population to gather intelligence and conduct surveillance. Momo was able to sniff out Bella's hideout and infiltrate the gang, allowing her to arrange the sting operation that led to Bella's capture. Neither a vicious gang nor the threat of Montezuma's revenge could stand in this courageous pug's way.

Momo's bravery will go down in Pug Life lore. Puppies will marvel at her exploits; obedience schools will bear her name. Let us all salute Momo, the undercover pug.

Capitalist Pug update

Greetings, my financially responsible flock. It has been about six months since I issued my first Capitalist Pug's Stock Pick, so it seems like a fine time for an update. On Aug. 26, I recommended breaking open the puggy bank to buy shares of PetSmart (PETM), which had been beaten down to a 52-week low by a disappointing earnings report. I cautioned that it could be a bumpy ride in the short term, but I made it clear that I felt this was an excellent long-term holding. The stock did, indeed, go lower over the next couple of months, creating even more attractive buying opportunities. But PetSmart, a leading purveyor of halaal rawhide, has since shown strong signs of recovery. The company last week reported solid fourth-quarter results, with operating profit increasing nearly 15 percent and solid same-store sales growth. The closing price on the day of my recommendation was $24.65. On Friday, the stock closed at $27.83. For those of you smart enough to heed the advice of your furry investment guru, this amounts to a better-than 25 percent annual percentage increase. To put it simply, if you had purchased 315,000 shares of PetSmart on the day of my recommendation, you would now be over $1 million richer. Is there anyone out there who could not use an extra $1 million? If so, please note the PayPal virtual offering plate to your right.

Full disclosure -- the ayatollah owns shares of PetSmart.

Release the hounds

Saturday's trip to the local dog park was among the best ever. It was wall-to-wall canines, including three other pugs and a slender pug mix of some sort. A never-ending stream of canines poured into the park, taking advantage of the beautiful weather that Allah has blessed us with. But this trip was not purely for pleasure; I was there on business. The Basset Hound Liberation Organization invited me to be the guest barker at its rally. You can see several of the BHLO members in the photo above. I delivered a fiery sermon to my canine brothers, urging them to accept nothing less than complete autonomy. Though these docile hounds showed little emotion, it was clear that my remarks sparked something deep within them. Their calm demeanor belied their intense fervor for jihad.

A feline interloper

In recent days, a cat has been lurking around my abode. It seems that every time I open the door, I see a flash of scurrying fur. He may have even infiltrated my garage a couple of days ago while I was trimming our monstrous bushes. I suspect this feline is an agent of the Mexican government, sent to recapture Bella. But I must urge the Mexicans not to go down this path. Perhaps we would have signed that extradition treaty if you had met our foreign aid requests in the past. But you have done nothing to aid the canine cause -- those taco and enchilada shipments never arrived. Hundreds of hungry puppies were forced to eat Alpo instead. We are under no obligation to extradite Bella to Mexico, and we will consider any attempt to abduct her to be an act of war.

As a show of force, I have just finished shredding a copy of Rolling Stone magazine. A small strip of paper hangs from my teeth as I type this. I would post photos of the carnage, but they are quite graphic, and I don't feel they are appropriate for a family blog such as this one. But consider yourself warned.