It takes a PugVillage

Over the last day, we've had a surge in hits on this Web site, leading to a new high since I began tracking these things a few months ago. Nearly 10 billion unique visitors on Wednesday. It would no doubt be humbling if I were not already so modest. Most of these newcomers have come from the PugVillage forums, where a good Samaritan posted a link to this ministry. So I would like to extend a warm Pug Life welcome to all of the new visitors. I invite you to stop by anytime, and please feel free to join in the discussions by adding comments of your own.

As a wise pug once said: A stranger is just a friend you haven't sniffed.

Tough decisions

Secure in the knowledge that the canine defense forces were in the capable paws of Brody, I went to work Tuesday to whittle down the hundreds of applicants for Team Pugforce. It was a grueling process, and one that I expect to continue for several weeks. After all, not just anybody can spread Allah's word through feats of strength.

With fellow judges Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul, I began the audition process bright and early. We must have watched 80 people shatter concrete blocks -- and another 80 fail to shatter anything but perhaps their hands. It is times like these when I thank Allah for the button under my desk and the large trapdoor to which it is connected.

One of the most surprising applicants was Sylvester Stallone. Apparently, his boxing reality show "The Contender" was a bit of a flop, and he's hard up for cash. Although I greatly respect his writing ability and the fact that he single-handedly brought down communism in Eastern Europe with his 1985 movie "Rocky IV," I had to cut him. He just wasn't strong enough to be a member of Team Pugforce. He couldn't break a single concrete block or even bend an iron bar. And truth be told, he's shorter than I am. I guess the camera really does add four feet.

What I did today

Sifting through job applications

Applications have begun to pour in for our new bodybuilder/evangelist positions with Team Pugforce. Among the applicants have been the world's strongest Pomeranian and Hollywood star Dolph Lundgren. But the most impressive application thus far has come from Brody the Bulldog. Federal labor laws do not permit me to post his resume, but you can find it on his blog, Bull by the Horns. Brody is co-captain of his dog park wrestling team and has an outstanding kill record (including 24 toys, four soccer balls and a television remote control). He also has no criminal record, which is more than I can say for myself. In short, Brody is vastly over-qualified for the position.

So Brody, I would like to offer you the position of supreme commander of the Armed Revolutionary Forces (ARF). We could use a bulldog like you to shape up our fighting forces and lay the groundwork for canine rule. There is no pay, per se, but you will be able to keep half the booty your troops plunder during military campaigns.

Help wanted

Wanted: Several burly bodybuilders to spread God’s word through feats of strength. Must be able to break multiple concrete blocks with fists, forearms, elbows, knees, feet and face. Must also be able to smash blocks of ice. Must be able to work well under pressure and be unafraid of pyrotechnics. Some team members will be asked to occasionally don a Kool-Aid Man costume, break through a brick wall, and offer spectators a sip of "Ayatollah Mugsy's Kool-Aid." Minimal acting skills required. Ability to rip a phonebook in half a plus.

Description: Team Pugforce is a new touring group that will use pyrotechnic displays and feats of strength to spread the word of Allah. Team Pugforce members will serve under the direction of Mugsy, supreme ayatollah of Pug Life Ministries.

Education: As little as possible.

Salary: Commensurate with education and experience in a canine-run ministry.

Must be willing to pass a positive steroid test. Unitards will be provided. Team Pugforce is an equal-opportunity employer.

Wright, Wren, Gehry, Mugsy ...

As I chronicled in my travel blog, I visited Paris last year. One of my stops was Notre Dame Cathedral, where I saw a real-life hunchback. Now, I can visit Notre Dame (sans said hunchback) anytime I want in the comfort of my home. You see, in the proudest moment since my PetSmart graduation day, I completed this replica of Notre Dame Cathedral. I finished the three-dimensional puzzle early Wednesday morning, and it was no easy task. After I tore off the plastic wrap with my nimble paws and peered at the endless sea of pieces inside the box, I said to myself, "Self, what have you gotten into now? You can’t even remember the last time you did a regular puzzle, and now you’re going to try to do a three-dimensional puzzle?" But I persevered, I prayed, I deposited much rawhide in my curse jar, and roughly 48 hours later, this architectural wonder sat gleaming on my kitchen table. Excuse me a moment; I have to wipe a tear from my cheek. Next up, God willing: the Dogloo Mosque.

Mugsy issues fatwa

I have witnessed too many near-collisions, seen too many uncouth vertical travelers to remain silent a second longer. Let the word ring out throughout the Pug Life empire that I have issued a fatwa! When riding an elevator (or a lift, for our more syllabically economical British readers), it is the duty of all Pug Life faithful to wait for other passengers to disembark before boarding. Woe be upon the brute who storms through the doors at the first hint of daylight. Stand aside, let the passengers exit, and then board the elevator car. In case you had not noticed, the door stays open for a certain amount of time anyway. You will not reach your destination faster by rushing headlong into the car, risking a collision with unsuspecting passengers and possibly trampling children (or canine religious leaders) underfoot. Any cretin who dares to disobey this binding religious order should be prepared to see severe bite marks on his or her shins. That is the fate that awaits you should you storm onto my elevator car.