A dream come true?

Forget about the recall; does anybody know where I can get some of these?

WASHINGTON, Nov 1 (Reuters) - Quaker Maid Meats Inc. on Tuesday said it would voluntarily recall 94,400 pounds of frozen ground beef panties that may be contaminated with E. coli.

The full story is here.

Thanks a mill, Rick

Please write your Congresshumans and ask them to support Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum's effort to crack down on high-volume puppy mills. If pugs controlled the Senate, these overcrowded, filthy breeding centers would have been shut down years ago.

The boycott is working

Shares of Comcast (CMCSA) hit a new 52-week low on Tuesday, proof that our boycott is working. The share price tumbled after the company's earnings report last week, falling over 5 percent in a day. The pug-induced death spiral will surely continue until this overcharging criminal syndicate has either repented or is out of business. Among the information the company reported (and we should remember that Comcast is prone to lying, so its situation could be far worse):

• Free cash flow is down 35 percent in 2005.
• Expected capital spending will rise 20 percent, in an apparent effort to combat the effects of the pug boycott.
• The company lost a whopping 46,000 customers during the quarter. Analysts had expected a small increase in the customer base; these analysts were obviously not aware of the Pug Life boycott.

Time is running out for Comcast and its corrupt leadership. If you own any shares, I urge you to sell them before it is too late. Don't be fooled by any hiccups on the path to Enrondom.

INCOMPETENCE UPDATE: I officially switched my phone service to SBC on Oct. 25. Two days ago, I received a bill from Comcast for the period of Nov. 1 to Nov. 30. And not only was Comcast attempting to charge a noncustomer; the corporate buffoon also overcharged, yet again. The correct monthly bill, were I still a customer, would have been $22.54. This latest bill was for $37.09. A month ago, I spent over an hour on the phone with a Comcast employee, going over every bill I had received since April. She assured me that the company had made repeated mistakes, that I owed no money, and that the problem would be taken care of. It was yet another Comcastic lie.

Full house

What an exciting weekend it's been. Civil unrest has gripped France, and a cruise ship was attacked by real-life pirates. But at the ayatollah household, most of the excitement stemmed from another phenomenon: houseguests. Several humans stayed over, using up my hot water and mooching my Milkbones, as usual. But this time, they brought a dog. Ditto, a Boston Terrier, came to me Saturday with wide-eyed excitement. "Ayatollah Mugsy," he said, "I have come to learn from you. Please show me the path to righteousness." After sniffing young Ditto intensely to gauge his sincerity, I said to him: "I will teach you, my son. What better time to learn about Islam than during Eid ul-Fitr?" For the next 32 hours, we studied. Ditto had a voracious appetite for knowledge. And for Snausages. And so we had much in common. Ditto, my friend, you're welcome to come back anytime.

I'd like to wish Bobby and Gracie a lasting, happy marriage. Some would say that the odds are against them, having married so young. But I think these two crazy kids just may pull it off, God willing.

An open letter to Mohamed ElBaradei

Mohamed ElBaradei
Director General
International Atomic Energy Agency
P.O. Box 100
Wagramer Strasse 5, A-1400
Vienna, Austria

Mr. ElBaradei,

When I accepted your recent invitation for lunch, I assumed that it would be a cordial meeting. I thought that you would want to tell me privately what you have refused to say publicly -- that the Nobel committee had made a huge mistake in selecting you and your inept inspectors over me for this year's peace prize. So imagine my surprise when you made no mention of your undeserved award and instead insisted that I reveal to you classified pug information.

As you know, it is a long-standing pug policy to neither confirm nor deny the existence of a nuclear program. This policy of strategic ambiguity has served us well over the years, and I do not intend to change it. Furthermore, you demanded that I open up pug facilities to inspectors from the International Atomic Energy Agency. Against my better judgment, I had already allowed your inspectors to tour the foyer, dog run and restrooms of my headquarters. But now you ask me to grant your inspectors full access to sensitive areas including my blogging station, my inner sanctum, my harem and my hall of centrifuges. Rest assured, Mr. ElBaradei, this will never happen. It is my sacred duty to defend pug sovereignty, and defend it I will.

I suggest you put an immediate halt to your futile demands and cease making empty threats about U.N. sanctions. Your actions are the height of arrogance and an affront to the pug nation, and we will tolerate no more.

Sincerely,

Mugsy

Supreme Ayatollah

Pug Life Ministries

Send me your poultry

The news media have been abuzz with talk of a potential avian flu pandemic. Although the much-feared influenza strain has not proven capable of easy human-to-human transmission, scientists fear that it will mutate and wreak havoc on a population with no built-up immunity. The scientists will say that you have nothing to fear from eating poultry, provided it is well-cooked. But is that a chance you really want to take? Do you really want to play chicken with such a frightening virus? As a compassionate religious leader, I feel it is my duty to do whatever I can to protect my loyal human followers. And so I offer you the opportunity to send me your poultry. Whether it be chicken, turkey or quail, I will eat it, thereby removing any threat to the human population. The H5N1 virus is not believed to be a threat to the canine population, so I can safely dispose of this tainted meat. It is the least I can do.

One last hurrah

In recent weeks, I have increasingly found myself chewing on paper -- primarily magazines, newspapers and book jackets. Perhaps some of you readers in the medical field could tell me: Is it possible that this is a symptom of a pulp deficiency in my diet? Speaking of diet, I helped many of my neighborhood's youths avoid starvation last night by plying them with candy. The children also had the opportunity to see me in my Batpug garb, as I got into the Halloween spirit by donning the costume one last time. My ministry now plans to retire the legendary jersey and hang it from the rafters of the Dogloo Mosque. This seems like a good time to remind the Pug Life faithful that donations are accepted via the PayPal icon at the right side of the page. Masterpieces of pug/Inuit architecture don't build themselves, you know.