Costume is ready

I have chosen my Pug-O-Ween garb, and my team of personal seamstresses has tailored it to my exact specifications. The costume performed well in two separate focus groups.

Mugsy declares national day of mourning

Saturday was a tragic day for our nation, a day the likes of which we had not seen in this millennium. The Oklahoma Sooners lost to the Texas Longhorns. And it was ugly. And so I hereby declare Sunday, Oct. 9, 2005, to be a national day of mourning. We shall reflect upon this most humbling of events, and we shall pray that Bob Stoops has not lost his mojo but has merely misplaced it temporarily. And then we shall move on to the Jayhawks and thrash them mercilessly. Enjoy it while you can, Longhorns, because next year, God willing, we start a new winning streak.

What to wear?

My excitement is building, oh furry and not-so-furry disciples. Pug-O-Ween is just over two weeks away. The annual event is a fundraiser for the DFW Pug Rescue Club. I have wanted to attend in the past, but I have always had other commitments -- sermons, rap concerts, panty heists, etc. But this year I have cleared my schedule, and, God willing, I will be there on Oct. 23 along with a couple hundred other costumed pugs. My grandparents and great-grandmother are even talking about coming from out of town to attend. But here's my problem: I don't know what to wear. Some have suggested that I simply go as myself, with my trademark turban and distinguished beard. Frankly, I found this a bit offensive. No, I will wear a costume, and if I need to shave my beard to complete the look, I will do so. After all, it is for a good cause. So I come to you, dear readers, to seek your suggestions for a prize-winning Pug-O-Ween costume. I have a couple of ideas, but I'd like to see if anyone can come up with something better. If I use your costume idea, you will receive a personalized, autographed photo of me in the championship garb.

Enough!

I have just hung up the phone after another infuriatingly pointless call from the Great Satan that is Comcast. My frustrations began in May, when I was overbilled by more than $200 (the Great Satan charged long-distance for all the local phone calls). Comcast's incompetence has continued unabated. Every month, I am incorrectly billed. Every month, I call, wait on the phone and am told, "Oops. Yes, just pay the $22.54." Now I am told that I have an overdue balance, though the caller could not articulate exactly what that balance encompassed. Has anyone else had problems with this shoddy operation? Needless to say, I have arranged to switch to SBC. I only wish that I had done so sooner. I urge all other Comcast customers to join me in boycotting this corporate buffoon. May Comcast feel the wrath of the Pug Nation!

The word is spreading

I spotted this story on the news wire:


RICHARDSON, Texas (AP) -- For the first time in decades, Eugenia Jenkins is standing up straight. And she says she owes it all to a mysterious local cleric and her experience in a sweltering pup tent.

Jenkins, 68, said she had suffered from acute abdominal pains since the late 1960s.

"The doctors were baffled," the Allen resident said. "They said there was nothing they could do. I was in such pain, I prayed every day for the Lord to take me. Then Ayatollah Mugsy came along and saved my life."

Jenkins, who says she is now completely pain-free, said she met the imam at Ayatollah Mugsy's Islamic Revival and Carnival, a traveling road show that set up on the University of Texas at Dallas campus in Richardson on Sept. 25.

"Some friends urged me to try it," Jenkins said. "I was skeptical, but I was willing to try anything."

She said that shortly after her arrival at the Dogloo-shaped tent set up near UTD's School of Management, she was taken to an altar in front of the crowd.

"The crowd began to chant, "Mugsy! Mugsy! Mugsy!" Jenkins said. "Then smoke filled the stage, and out came the ayatollah. He was much shorter than I expected. He barked, and the room fell silent. His helpers lifted him up onto my table, and he loomed over me. He nudged my shirt up, leaving my midriff bare. Then he began to lick my belly button intensely."

Jenkins said the licking continued for at least five minutes.

"It tickled at first, but then I began to feel the pain leave my body," she said. "When he finished and jumped down off of the altar, I was healed. I had forgotten what it was like to stand up straight, with no pain."

Bob Mungro of Garland, who attended the revival, said that Jenkins wasn't the only person healed by the ayatollah.

"Mugsy cured a blind man. He healed a boy with leg braces. That pug is the real deal," he said.

Ayatollah Mugsy declined to comment, but a spokesman for his ministry directed readers to his Web site, ayatollahmugsy.blogspot.com.

The revival, sponsored by Pug Life Ministries, will be at the University of Texas at Arlington campus on Saturday.

Future revivals are planned in Norman, Okla.; Oklahoma City; Edmond, Okla.; Tulsa; Lawrence, Kan.; Columbia, Mo.; Fayetteville, Ark.; Murfreesboro, Tenn.; Knoxville, Tenn.; Tuscaloosa, Ala.; Shreveport, La.; Baton Rouge, La.; and College Station.

So touching

This poem brought a tear to my eye.

Bennett's comments

Former education secretary William Bennett provoked quite an uproar recently when he said that the crime rate could be reduced by aborting black babies. Would such an unthinkable action really reduce the crime rate? Maybe; maybe not. In my view, we've overlooked what is truly important by focusing on these comments. If people of all races were to abort all babies, would that reduce the crime rate? Certainly; the crime rate would eventually reach zero. But again, that's not really the point. The important thing to remember is that if we were to abort all of the puppies, this world would be a much less happy place. Remember that, humans, and then give us the voting rights that we have been deprived of for so long.