History in the making

I am happy to share with you some interior views of the Dogloo Cathedral, courtesy of my good friend Pope Pius Pug. Our plans for the Dogloo compound are nearly complete. The only task that remains is to raise the money. With your generosity, we will make this a reality, God willing.

Cross me at your peril

Enemies of Pug Life, consider this a warning. You may see the ministry's recent legal troubles as a moment of weakness, as a chance to tear down the religious empire that I have painstakingly assembled. You may believe that because of my affable, easygoing nature, I am a ripe target. If you believe this, you are dead wrong. It is true that I am a peace-loving dog of God. But when I am pushed, I will fight back. Take, for example, Blue Bull. Once a loyal friend, Blue Bull betrayed me. Even worse, he betrayed Pug Life. I caught Blue Bull conspiring against the ministry, trying to sabotage our plans for the Dogloo Mosque. When I confronted Blue Bull, he physically attacked me and taunted me with his squeaking. Look at Blue Bull now, his cotton innards bulging from his severed torso. His limp body suspended from a banana hook. Don't let Blue Bull's fate befall you.

... doesn't all stay in Vegas

I am back from Las Vegas, and I'm sorry to report that my fundraising efforts were not as successful as I'd hoped. In fact, the ministry's general fund is now nearly empty. I thought that my weekend investment strategy, diversified across several games -- slot machines, blackjack, roulette, video poker, etc. -- would be successful. Astoundingly, the prudent investments did not pay off. But I have no fear; for I believe that the faithful Pug Life followers will come through in this time of need. I am also in the early stages of talks with a certain casino company on a deal that may prove to be a boon to Pug Life Ministries. It is too early for you to get your hopes up (or to stop sending donations), but I will keep you posted on the progress of these negotiations and perhaps post an artist's rendering of my plans, which could forever alter the face of the Las Vegas Strip.

While fundraising at Caesar's Palace in the wee hours of Sunday morning, I was approached by a woman in a white dress. She asked whether I was having any luck and introduced herself as Jasmine. After she shook my paw, she remarked on the softness of my head. "Do you mind if I touch it?" she asked. "Be my guest," I replied. She then began to pet me. "It's soooo soft," she said. "What kind of shampoo do you use?" I explained to her that I do not bathe myself and therefore was not sure of the brand name but that I thought it was a purple shampoo with a picture of a cocker spaniel on the bottle. Jasmine left soon thereafter, as I paid more attention to my video-poker fundraising than to her. I must confess that I was not sure if she was a star-crossed admirer of mine or a common harlot, though I lean toward the latter. But Jasmine, if you're reading, the shampoo is Hartz Groomer's Best Puppy Shampoo. The extra gentle, tearless formula. Perhaps, God willing, it can soften up your greasy mane.

What happens in Vegas ...

I'm leaving today for Las Vegas, that glittering desert den of sin. I'll be the keynote speaker at a convention of canine imams, and I hope to raise funds for Pug Life's legal defense fund. I'll be investing this week's mosque offerings in all manner of slot machines and table games in an effort to boost our coffers. Hopefully the bouncers won't give me any trouble -- I am over 21 in dog years, after all. I hear that many of the casinos have all-you-can-eat buffets, with dozens of varieties of rawhide, Snausages, Milkbones, potatoes, etc. Does it surprise you that I enjoy a good potato? If you have a dog, you should give it a nice uncooked, unpeeled potato. The bigger the better. The starchy fruit of the earth is truly a blessing from Allah that your dog will appreciate.

Mugsy issues fatwa

For too long, they have walked among us with impunity. This scourge upon planet Earth, this deceitful, wicked class of man. They have left me no choice but to issue a fatwa! From this day forward, auto mechanics shall be a legitimate target for stoning. It is the duty of all faithful Pug Life followers to take up rocks and pelt these despicable tradesmen. No longer will they be allowed to hold our vehicles hostage. No longer will they try to charge over $2,200 for a rebuilt transmission. Fling stones, rocks, even boulders upon these evildoers. Some of you may be uncomfortable accepting the fatwa of a firebrand Muslim cleric such as myself. Some of you Christians may think this does not apply to you. So let me paraphrase the Bible to assuage your concerns: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. But then let the sinners quickly join in and rain down rocks.

The taxman cometh ... and the lawman, too

I apologize for the dearth of posts since last week's FBI raid, but as I'm sure you can understand, I have been busy attending to legal matters. The fate of Pug Life Ministries hangs in the balance. My lawyer has advised me not to go into detail on the baseless allegations against Pug Life, but I can say that among the most serious charges are tax evasion, racketeering, rawhide smuggling and polygamy. These charges are, of course, preposterous. I have made no secret of my past indiscretions. In fact, it was in the pound that I found Allah. But I have turned my life around. I am no longer the gang-banging, panty-raiding, gangsta-rapping pug of my puppyhood -- despite what the FBI, IRS and ATF would have you believe. I intend to fight these charges, and, God willing, I will win. Pug Life Ministries will emerge from these travails stronger and wealthier than ever.

Have no fear

A London Web designer has set up a site, www.werenotafraid.com, in response to the cowardly attacks on the city's transit system. According to the site: "Werenotafraid.com exists to give people a voice online to tell the world that they are not afraid, intimidated or cowed by the cowardly act of terrorism. Terrorism will not be effective against the British people, and it won’t be effective anywhere else." People from all over the world have sent in photos, many of them with Photoshopped messages to the terrorist thugs. Although I'm generally opposed to digitally altering images, I like the site's message.