Code Red! Code Red!

Pug Life disciples, I have just received word that the FBI is raiding our ministry's offices as we speak. I will not go into detail on the baseless charges leveled against us, but know that we will defeat the infidels who are trying to bring us down. Now, more than ever, the ministry needs your financial help. More to come ...

Life after Sandy

I have not been in any hurry to share my opinion on the Supreme Court vacancy. I wanted to absorb all of the Chicken Little-esque hand-wringing of the left and the "yipppeees!" of the right before fully forming an opinion. A showdown over the high court opening created by Sandra Day O'Connor's resignation appears imminent, with abortion as the sole issue. I don't want to downplay the importance of abortion, but I believe that there are other important issues and that abortion should not be the singular deciding factor. The high court recently made a key ruling allowing the government to seize your doghouse on a whim, not for public uses, but for private development. Two reporters may be sent to jail for doing their jobs. The Supreme Court is expected to rule this fall on the future of doctor-assisted-suicide laws. Despite the many important issues that could potentially come before the Supreme Court, the Democrats and Republicans appear to be zeroed in on one issue: abortion. With Allah as my witness, I propose that President Bush nominate a man who will force lawmakers to look beyond the abortion issue. A man who will shatter racial barriers on the court. A man who has experience working in the limelight. I'm not saying that this nomination would be without controversy or debate. But I guarantee that with this man's nomination, abortion will cease to be the lone issue in deciding who will sit on the high court. Who is this man who can ultimately unite us all? The honorable Judge Lance Ito, our first Japanese-American Supreme Court justice.

A message from Sister Bella

Sister Bella, a nun in the Catholic wing of Pug Life Ministries, has asked me to spread the word about her latest charity drive. Sister Bella's Children's Charities is collecting Snausages and Milkbone biscuits for the underprivileged puppies and human children of the congregation. Donations will be accepted at Sunday services for the next three weeks. The need for donations is especially urgent this year, as the Catholic wing's coffers have been depleted by recent legal settlements.

The brilliance of R. Kelly

I just watched R. Kelly's half-hour "Trapped in the Closet" video. Wow. He is truly a lyrical genius. President Bush, I implore you, please make R. Kelly the nation's poet laureate.

Happy Birthday, Great Satan!

It's Independence Day, a time to watch fireworks and marvel at a small Asian man who can scarf down 49 hot dogs in 12 minutes. If the contest were not limited to human contestants, I would surely give Kobayashi a run for his money (as those who have seen me eat would attest). Oh yes, I almost forgot. Today also marks the 229th anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

Gaze upon God's doghouse

Here it is: Phase One of the Dogloo compound. In the foreground is the awe-inspiring 260,000-square-foot Dogloo Mosque. The other engineering masterpiece is the Dogloo Cathedral. More Dogloos will eventually be added. Why did we choose the Dogloo shape? Because it is, quite simply, the pinnacle of canine architecture -- a fusion of ancient Inuit ingenuity and modern plastics. And we won't stop at exterior beauty. Inside, the Dogloo Mosque will make the Sistine Chapel look like a "Trading Spaces" reject. These marvels of pug culture will be a source of veneration for millennia to come.

The one competition I could not win

Congratulations are in order for loyal Pug Life follower Sam, who has earned his third straight title in the World's Ugliest Dog Contest. (The faint of heart and those afraid of rodents should not click here.)